Last letter…

Hey…

I don’t even know how to start this, not really.

I’ve written a thousand versions of this in my head some screaming, some silent, some breaking apart mid sentence.

But this is the one I need to get out.

There’s been this pain in me. Constant. Unmoving.

Not sharp like a knife more like a weight, pressing on my chest no matter what I do.

And it all leads back to you.

S****y.

You were my home.

Not just a person. Not just someone I loved.

You were the first time I felt safe. The first time I thought maybe I do belong here.

Even when I was distant, cold, or selfish you stayed.

You showed me love when I didn’t even think I could feel it. And now… it’s gone.

Not because of you, but because of me.

I hurt you. I betrayed you. I neglected the love you gave like I didn’t know what it was worth until it was too late.

And now, I feel like a man still carrying the ghost of the only thing that ever mattered.

Everything reminds me of you.

The way food used to taste when we’d eat together.

The way the world looked a little warmer when you laughed.

Even now, I find your hair on my clothes like the universe won’t let me forget what I lost.

I don’t need reminders I carry you with me every second. In my sleep. In my silence.

In the part of me that still believes maybe one day you’ll call, even if I know you won’t.

You taught me how to love, and I still feel like that little boy deep down the one who was hurt, abandoned, beaten, and silenced.

I see him now more than ever. Crying inside me. Ashamed of who I’ve become.

And the man I am?

I feel like a coin with two sides.

One side warm, kind, loving everything I wanted to be for you.

The other side bitter, hateful, cold. The side that ruined what we had. The side that still whispers I don’t belong here.

I’ve always felt like the world wasn’t meant for me. Like Earth was a place I was dropped into by mistake.

I’ve thought about leaving. Disappearing.

And not for attention but because I’ve truly never felt like I mattered to anyone outside of you.

I’m terrified of how much I’ve wanted it to end.

And just as terrified that I’m still here.

I guess that’s what this letter really is.

A mix of grief, confession, and love.

I don’t want you to hurt anymore.

I hope someone gives you the love you deserved from me.

I hope you’re laughing more.

Sleeping peacefully.

Living without carrying the pain I gave you.

I know I don’t deserve a place in your life, but in mine you’re still the center.

You’re the light that reminded me I’m human.

And even if this pain never leaves, even if I’m just a shadow of who I was with you,

I’ll carry your love with me until the end.

Not for forgiveness. Not for a second chance.

But because you were the reason I kept breathing when I didn’t want to.

Because your love made me feel alive for the first time.

And even if I fade from everyone’s memory…

I’ll still remember you.

Always.

Me