and when my anxiety spikes
i hear your voice
telling me im okay
the same voice in my ear third year of college middle of the night when i woke you up because i couldn’t breathe
i didn’t know panic attacks by name but by the squeezing in my chest that kept the air from reaching my lungs
i knew calm like your arms around my shoulders and the way your eyes look gray in the moonlight
and i miss the boy whose smile broke up his entire face
i no longer know the one with the round edges who i said goodbye to
i miss the boy who sat by my side and smiled no matter how long we had to wait for a table
the one who was patient with me, the one who held my hair back and showed up at my door with food before a presentation
i miss before we grew into people who couldn’t fulfill each other
i miss before we fought and cried and argued and disagreed
above all
always always disagreed
i feel like myself and i feel like no one
and i don’t recognize the stupid phone i carry around because your name never comes up and your photos hide from me and there’s no one to send selfies to and no one tells me i look beautiful
but if i didn’t let go i was going to grow to hate you and i could never let that happen i could never hate you no matter how far you grow you’ll always be the boy who taught me, god i can’t even write it, there’s so much you taught me
my patience, i hope you know, it’s all yours
this newfound patience, this way of understanding that tolerating is the price you pay for the people you love because we’re all human
patience, resilience, love, loyalty and a burning stubbornness
it hurts to say goodbye to someone you once saw a life with but it hurts more to lose yourself in a relationship, so I had to choose me.