Trying Again After Loss 🕊️

Trying again after loss is anxious, to say the least.

When I first tried to get pregnant, I was nervous, but so excited. I imagined shopping for the surprise and coming home to tell you the news. My nerves were there, but they were joyful ones.

Shortly after, I started bleeding. You suggested we go to the hospital, but I didn’t want to believe anything was wrong. I convinced myself it would stop. But the blood came heavier and darker, and suddenly the ER became a very scary place.

The checkups felt heavy and discouraging. Some of the OB-GYN visits were frustrating, and at times I felt like just another patient rather than someone going through something deeply personal. The whole experience left a mark on me. Even now, when I hear stories that resemble mine, tears fill my eyes. The reminder is still emotional.

Months later, I decided I wanted to try again. We had just gotten our house, and at first I felt anxious because before that we didn’t even have a home of our own, no real privacy, no place that felt ready for a family. Now we finally do.

It’s been four months. Every test I take seems to come back negative, and each one feels harder to see than the last. I catch myself planning little holiday surprises to tell you the news one day. I imagine the moment over and over.

Sometimes the tears come easily when I start to feel like a failure, or like I’m somehow cursed. Becoming a mother is something I’ve dreamed about my whole life. I always thought it would be easy. I couldn’t wait to start a family of our own. But now it feels like something that doesn’t come so easily, and I find myself asking, What am I doing wrong? Why me?

I want this so deeply. More than many things in life. And I know you would be such an incredible dad.

I’m sorry, my love. I want our parents to experience our babies. I think about what their reactions would be when we tell them. I keep a growing list of baby names in my phone. I save the cutest nursery ideas. I imagine what features they might inherit from each of us. Our spare room would be perfect for him or her. I even think about how we could do our gender reveal.

Our friends are having babies. Sometimes it feels lonely. It’s overwhelming wanting to be patient in the process while daily reminders appear all around you.

Everyone says, “It’s not you. It’s not your fault.”

But the waiting is still sad sometimes.

Still, I remain hopeful. I will be patient. I believe our time will come. I want to be a young parent. I want a house full of babies. I want to pour love into our little mini-me’s and build the family we dream about.

And when that day comes, it will mean everything.

#babyloss #pregnancygrief #pregnancy #yournotalone #jesuslovesyou