the day my mom taught me fear, not safety

It's incredible how one moment, like my experience shoplifting with my mother, can rewire your entire perception of safety and trust. For years, I carried that lasting fear of authority and a constant anxiety, always feeling unsafe, even when I was physically out of danger. It wasn't just the act itself; it was the profound realization that my mom wasn't protecting me, but was instead using me, which led to a deep-seated fear of your mom in a way no child should ever feel. This feeling of being let down by the very person who should have been your protector can manifest in so many ways. I found myself constantly seeking external validation, terrified of breaking any rule, no matter how small, because deep down, I still expected punishment or betrayal. It felt like a perpetual panic attack waiting to happen, a constant state of hyper-vigilance because I never truly felt safe. The question, "why is my mom so mean to me for no reason?" echoed in my mind for years, even after that specific incident. For anyone who feels their mom was 'mean for no reason' or that they 'fear their mom,' it's crucial to understand that it's not your fault. Children are resilient, but they also internalize so much. The idea of a "Childhood Trauma Dump" isn't just about recounting events; it's about acknowledging the deep scars that such experiences leave. That initial feeling of unsafety can create patterns of behavior and thought that are hard to break free from, making you feel perpetually like you fear for my safety, even in adulthood. My path to healing involved confronting that younger self who felt like the 'bad one.' I had to learn to build trust in myself, and sometimes, in safe others. Therapy has been a huge part of processing that initial feeling of unsafety and understanding that my mom's choices were hers, not a reflection of my worth. It's about reparenting yourself, giving yourself the safety and protection you deserved as a child, and learning to soothe the part of you that still feels like it's bracing for impact. If you're grappling with a similar 'fear of your mom' or continue to feel unsafe due to childhood experiences, consider journaling about your feelings, finding a supportive community where you can share your story without judgment, or speaking with a therapist specializing in trauma. These steps can help you navigate the complex emotions and begin to dismantle the lasting fear that might still be holding you back. It's a journey, not a destination, but recognizing that your feelings of fear and betrayal are valid is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of security and peace.