Getting Deep: Holiday’s Edition 🎄❄️

Well it’s just about that time of year again…the holiday’s.

Let’s just get this out of the way, first and foremost I DO NOT hate the holiday season. I just don’t care for it. I haven’t in a long long time. Probably since I was a kid.

My childhood is very personal to me so without going into too deep of details I’ll say it’s played a huge role in why I don’t like the holiday’s. My family never really did much as a family. I’ve never been familiar with the whole family getting together for the holiday’s. In turn it’s always kind weirded me out because I’m not use to it or even ever been apart of it. However my family may not have done anything as a whole but more so individually. Growing up I always spent the days around the holiday with one specific family member along with the people they invited. To make a long story short it was never really a family get together. It was a get together to eat food and bully each other. For some reason, specifically me. I grew to dread the holidays because I wasn’t ever able to separate the pain and trauma from the holiday. Still to this day I struggle with it. So I really never had the proper holiday season. Never had the whole family together. Never spent a holiday without being the butt of every joke. Never had a holiday that actually felt like a holiday.

The holidays especially have felt empty the last 4 years. That family I use to spend the days before the holiday with, yea, I stopped talking to them 4 years ago. Their jokes went a little too far. I couldn’t take it anymore and so I left. Never heard from them until about 2 years ago due to a private situation but aside from that nothing. No apology. Nothing.

I’d rather spend the holidays at home away from everyone. No matter how hard I try to just be happy and enjoy it I find myself feeling the opposite. I don’t wanna be around anyone. Hearing people talk about their plans and how excited they are to see their family makes me jealous, sad and mad all at the same time. I’m really happy for those who experience happiness on the holidays so it’s nothing personal at all against those people. I don’t know.

I dread the holiday season and I’m relieved when it’s over. I made this post not to gain sympathy. Please trust me the last thing I want is sympathy. I’ve spent years coming to terms with the fact that this is just how it is for me and that’s okay. I made this post so if there’s anyone out there who struggles like me, who has dealt with the same or similar as me, they don’t feel alone. So please if this post feels personal and you relate just know I am so sorry, you’re not alone I promise.

I’d also like to throw in I’m not completely alone on the holiday’s. I do still have a small part of my family who has stuck by my side against the other side of the family. I’ve been up there for Christmas and Thanksgiving for awhile now. They’re truly the only family I feel safe with, they make me feel included and don’t treat my presences as a means to jump on my back and make me feel inferior.

There’s probably so much more to this than I’m willing express but if you’re like me, I see you. ❤️

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