HEALTHY VS.UNHEALTHY EXPECTATIONS in a marriage
Expectations can really set us up for failure in a relationship if we’re not careful with what we are expecting. I put together a few toxic expectations that can really cause a wedge between you and your spouse if you don’t nip it in the bud early!
1. Expecting our partner to tend to all of our emotional needs
- this is just super unrealistic. Yes our partner can be there for us in the highs and the lows. But don’t expect them to be the dr to fix it all. It’s on YOU to find the help or change your mindset to control your emotions and what you do in them.
2. Expecting conflict to never occur
-this was something that I had to re-learn because my parents ALWAYS fought so I though conflict was the sign of a horrible marriage. And I had to re-learn that conflict is OKAY in a marriage and it WILL happen it the way you deal with the conflict that matters. When conflict arises attack it in a healthy manner.
3. Expecting our partner to never trigger us
- we are all human being and we arnt perfect. We can be triggered from something our spouse does or it could be us- our trauma or our hormones etc. it’s on us to talk out the triggers in a healthy way and learn ways that you can let it go. Or heal from
Your trauma.
4. Expecting our partner to never feel jealous, insecure, or fearful
- it’s normal human instincts for them to feel that way and it can be normal for you to feel this way as well but it all goes back to healthy application. If you’re feeling like this ask yourself or your partner why? Is it past trauma that needs healing? Is it something you may have said or done or that they did or said etc. there are health ways to go about this and if you need help find a counselor that will walk though the conversation with you both.
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Navigating emotional needs and setting healthy expectations in a marriage can honestly feel like walking a tightrope sometimes. When I first got married, I had so many unspoken expectations, especially around my emotional needs, and it led to a lot of frustration for both me and my partner. I realized that while my partner is a huge support, it's unfair and unrealistic to expect them to be my sole source of emotional nourishment or my personal therapist. One of the biggest lessons I learned was the importance of identifying and communicating my own emotional needs clearly. It's not enough to just feel something; I had to learn to articulate it. This involved a lot of self-reflection. I started asking myself: "What exactly am I feeling?" and "What do I need right now?" Sometimes, it was just a hug, other times it was space, or even just someone to listen without judgment. I discovered that I needed to build a robust support system – friends, family, and even a therapist for deeper issues. This really diversified my emotional nourishment, taking pressure off my spouse to fulfill every single need, which, as the image highlighted, was an unhealthy expectation. When it comes to conflict, I used to dread it, thinking it signaled a failing marriage. But I've come to understand that conflict is inevitable and, when handled well, can actually bring depth and closeness, as one of the images beautifully illustrated. My spouse and I now try to approach disagreements with a mindset of understanding, rather than just winning. We focus on active listening and using "I" statements to express our feelings without making accusations. We've even set a 'pause rule' – if things get too heated, we take a 20-minute break to cool down before resuming the discussion calmly. This has been a game-changer for addressing issues like jealousy, insecurity, or fear without escalating them into full-blown arguments. Another huge area for growth has been understanding our triggers. It’s so easy to react defensively when our partner unknowingly pokes at an old wound or insecurity. For me, I realized some of my reactions stemmed from past trauma, and it wasn't fair to expect my partner to perfectly navigate those without me doing my own healing work. We've learned to talk about what triggers us, not in an accusatory way, but as an opportunity for growth and understanding. This means recognizing when I’m triggered, articulating it to my partner, and sometimes, simply taking responsibility for my own emotional response. It also means my partner makes space for difficult feelings I might be experiencing, which fosters a sense of safety and trust. Ultimately, building a healthier emotional bond in marriage comes down to conscious effort, continuous communication, and a willingness to understand both your own and your partner's emotional landscape. It's about letting go of those unrealistic expectations and embracing the messy, beautiful reality of two imperfect people growing together.