A Happy Face ≠ A Happy Mind ✨ ED Talk

It’s almost jarring to me to see myself as I was my sophomore years of college. I couldn’t tell you how much I weighed here because I threw away my scale believing it would give me a sense of freedom. But nothing but myself could save me from avoiding food, giving away the food that I did have.

I had always been toeing the line between being healthily aware of what you’re putting in your body and becoming restrictive. I had became the queen on convincing my parents it was just a new diet, it was going vegetarian, I was going vegan. I don’t eat beef right now. Chicken only. It was so easy to hid because I was always on the heavy side. So it just looked like I wanted to “take care” of my body. Which deep down I think I truly did want to take care of my body, I just didn’t know how.

My mom had taken me to weight watchers when I was like 11. It was such a weird space to be in at such a young age. The way they spoke about food, good food, bad food. That very slowly but surely lead to. The scale has to be place in the same four squares, flush the toilet once before you weigh yourself, place your hair tie in the same place, weigh yourself three times. There’s a different between being aware of the foods you are eating and becoming ritualistic about it. Which I had.

I discovered intermitting fasting in college which was just a fancy name for staving yourself daily for set amount of hours. I would should up to my hour and a half drawling class pale a ghost and barely able to stand the whole class. I passed out a total of three times, two of those times I was by myself. It was terrifying, but that’s what not eating pretty close to all day will get you. In college no one blinks an eye if you don’t eat all day before a night of drinking. It all pretty normalized which isn’t a good thing.

Now 8 Months postpartum with my daughter and I my weight has sky rocketed higher than it ever had. It took a lot of mental grace. That my body had just created a beautiful life. (I love my daughter so much!) My body felt, for lack of better words not like my body. Due to my past of eating disorder behavior I’m trying to be extra mindful in the way that I go about loosing weight. I truly believe that I can loose weight in a healthy way.

I know I can’t be the only one out there 💗

#safespace #lemon8challenge #letschat #eatingdisordersupport #college