It is his first time living too.

First, I want to preface by saying my dad provided me with a great life and this is not to throw any hate or shade toward him in any way. He loved me in the best way he knew how to. He is a good dad, and I love him very much.

I don’t want to make this entry about my issues with my dad, but instead, how I overcame them. And more importantly, how I forgave him.

It all came down to one thing. My self peace.

Let’s start from the beginning, when I was younger I was always a “me” girl. Not a “mommy’s girl” not a “daddy’s girl” I’ve always been there for me.

But don’t get me wrong! I have been and still remain blessed with the best family support system on both sides of the tree. But between my parents marital problems from the ages 7-12 years old, and my brother going to rehab when I was 10, I became very self aware, very quickly.

I spent lots of time by myself, creating.

I used to sit in my room for hours just singing my heart out on my karaoke machine. (mic full volume with echo, of course) Then I would come upstairs and ask my parents “can you guys hear me?!” And they would say “yep! I’m pretty sure the neighbors can hear you Baylee.”

But you know what I’m forever grateful for?? They never stopped me. They never shut me down from expressing myself in whatever way. During this time I also found my passion for makeup. Id spend hours recreating a YouTube tutorial I found from the Met Gala. I also wrote songs. One of which I have since created an official demo for. I credit my parents for allowing me to be myself 100% of the time. They always supported my outgoing personality and that’s why I am so outspoken and unapologetically myself. They embraced my wild so I could too.

I think the reason I resented my dad so much growing up, wasn’t because he was a bad dad, it was because he didn’t always know how to be a “girl” dad. When my parents went through all of that, I expected him to be a certain way. To fix everything.

My dad had to learn to be a “girl dad”.

By who, you may ask?? Me.

I started shaving my legs at 8 because my parents said I couldn’t. I asked to start wearing makeup in 4th grade.

In high school I would bring up period talk just because I knew it made him feel uncomfortable. I would be loud about all of the girly stuff going on in my life. For example, my boobs were growing, i had a new boyfriend every six months, I wanted my butt to be bigger, I thoroughly explained how awful it was to bleed out of my vagina every month. I was breaking him in because why was it weird to talk about those things??? I have two brothers and a dad so (ya) I’m going to bring awareness about everyday women shit.

Then you have my mom. Very reserved about the lady stuff so someone had to do it, and I was more than happy to.

I think the biggest thing I’ve come to realize about my “daddy issues” isn’t necessarily issues about my dad. It’s about who he was in the midst of the rocky years in their marriage. I never once felt unloved or unseen or unsupported by my parents but I’ve seen their ugliest side but it was always between them, never me.

What I’ve come to learn is my issue was never with my dad, it was with their marriage. Getting to see them now, living their best life together, is sweet. It reminds me everyday that there are always going to be rough times in our lives but we can either choose to let go or hold on. I’m so glad I let go and let myself heal.

Signed,

Baylee Rockefeller