Sometimes the Urge to Talk Is Also the issue
Let me say the quiet part out loud.
The need to talk right now can also be a form of emotional regulation.
Yes, avoidance can be dysregulation.
And yes, so can urgency.
From an Adlerian perspective, behavior is purposeful on both sides. One person may withdraw to regulate overwhelm. The other may push for conversation to regulate anxiety, fear of disconnection, or uncertainty. Neither is wrong. But both are strategies.
Translation:
Talking can be how you calm your nervous system.
Silence can be how they calm theirs.
The problem starts when we turn our coping strategy into a moral high ground.
“I communicate, you don’t” sounds good, but it skips self-reflection.
As a therapist, I see this often. One partner believes conversation equals maturity. The other believes space equals safety. What’s really happening is two nervous systems trying to regain control in opposite ways.
Here’s the grown work.
If you can’t pause before you speak, you may not be regulated enough to speak.
If the conversation is fueled by urgency, fear, or needing reassurance immediately, that’s not connection. That’s self-soothing through another person.
Adler would remind us that healthy relationships require cooperation, not control.
That means knowing when to speak and when to pause.
Knowing when to advocate and when to self-regulate first.
Sometimes the most emotionally mature move is saying,
“I want to talk, but I need to settle myself first.”
Communication done from regulation builds intimacy.
Communication done from panic builds pressure.
So yes, ask for conversation.
But also ask yourself,
“Am I speaking to connect… or to calm myself?”
That pause?
That’s emotional regulation too.
Dee Bloomingmoore 🌺
