Lost to the “Lost Boys” chapter of my life.
the𝐒⃥⃒̸𝐇⃥⃒̸𝐀⃥⃒̸𝐃⃥⃒̸𝐎⃥⃒̸𝐖⃥⃒̸
Our 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ self is like the darkness, the mysterious side of this adventure called life.
It represents the parts of self that we all have hidden or neglected. The parts of ourselves that hold deep emotion, fear, and our true desires.
While our conscious self, “hey. hi. hello. yo bro.” is focused on ascension, dragons, and witchy powers, it’s the 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ self that dances in the hidden realms.
The subterranean parts of consciousness tied to our past, our family, and the ancestral roots that like a tree connect through our root chakra.
Without a strong foundation, or root chakra all the other chakras will be energetically out of alignment.
Think of the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid to compare since most of us have been introduced to some form of this system at least once.
The bottom of the pyramid is most important for the individual life of a human to thrive. It is another system.
Not everyone believes in this eastern thought, but there are so many systems in this world one will find you when you’re ready.
In my 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥, I am building knowledge from the specific modality of Astrology and have learned its power of not only connection back to my heart but also to the value for my own growth in life.
It is an occult subject that also is an art form and pseudo science. You can never learn everything. I “know” this.
As I begin to form my own path, my own belief system, and inner standing of my own value system despite what society deems is morally sound continues to surprise me.
Astrology has tremendously helped me navigate through the psychological and spiritual awareness under the umbrella known as healing. This growth to set a solid foundation all happened consciously for me since 2020.
From that transformative to some & tragic year to more so than others I would have to say has been expanding ever since.
From an Astroworld perspective I have resonated with the idea of the energies that can be associated with certain planets in our solar system. Since 2020, a blend of intensity & creativity, the echoes of deep transformation that Pluto and Mars symbolize have been paramount in my life.
Since my rising sign rules my 1st House out of the 12 Houses in a natal chart of Western Astrology, both these planets rule my first house but moreover the sign of Scorpio.
Tonight’s Moon placement which the Moon is Mother! or the archetype of feminine energy.
Luna represents our emotional landscape and our inner world.
It is in the sign of Scorpio having a conjunction with the planet Venus.
Venus is the planet of beauty and how we each individually love depending on where the planet falls in your chat and how it affects your energy and overall personality in your human experience.
Ⓔⓝⓔⓡⓖⓨ vs. 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟
I mostly embody a feminine energetic being since my first breath, but gender identify as a male.
Masculine & Feminine energy is different than the Men and Women gender which causes a lot of confusion I believe l turns the light off on the manifestation of gender in something of higher conscious value.
Overall we might consider Mom who is female to be more nurturing than that of our dad. Each person has a unique inside but the general consensus could be this.
Now the way the energy expresses. i.e. feminine energy is about nurturing, receiving, and creating. This has nothing to do with female and male sex organs.
I am trying to embody a balance with my Masculine energy which i am learning is about authority, responsibility.
I wonder if my unconscious self coming to awareness is my masculine energy???
I am still in the process of learning and understanding on how to strike this balance between both energies.
Pluto (it is a planet to me) symbolizes transformation and Mars symbolizes motivation. Now I have the planet Pluto in my first house near the planet Venus.
Mars is considered the traditional ruler of Scorpio…but I grew up in Cranberry Township/ Seven Fields/ Mars, Pennsylvania so both are intuitively aiding in my evolution.
First… it takes belief in anything your heart desires.
Then belief becomes this is my way. And their way is theirs.
Astrology is something that is magical to me but also peaked my curiosity on its own. It’s like I found something that is like Calculus to others that comes easy.
In high school, math wasn’t my forte so I felt left out even when I challenged myself taking AP classes.
I am constantly shifting, exploring my inner landscape, where my fears about alignment, self-trust, and authenticity sit.
It's a place where surrender becomes a powerful tool. Just as Bono’s memoir resonated with my own life path mentioned on a previous post last week (go ahead and check it out).
The 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ echoes with those same themes of his own life such as vulnerability, pain, and the desire to break free from old patterns and limiting beliefs.
This 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ side craves expression, understanding, and integration into the light. It’s an aspect of me that influences my own evolution, embracing both the wild energy of transformation and the stillness of reflection. A conscious remembering of what I have and what I have lost.
Through exploration, I honor my journey and value my own process of self discovery as I continue to weave it into the larger story of my mind, body & soul’s purpose and passions.
“𝕱𝖔𝖗𝖌𝖎𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊 𝕻𝖊𝖙𝖊𝖗, 𝖒𝖞 𝖑𝖔𝖘𝖙 𝖋𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖑𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝖑𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖊𝖗.”
“Peter” by Taylor Swift is not only the 28th track (Saturn return age generalized) but actually inspires the creation of this post and honestly from my own experience in real time since the eclipses recents .
A whole book on my own experience becoming consciously aware of the shadow side aspects of self can be written, but I like how this app is a combination of writing, creation, blogging, magazine editing feeling, and quality.
The side of yourself that as a kid was a fleeting moment of magic as the sun begins to set. You may have found the dark silhouette lurking bigger or smaller in front or behind you. Maybe during an evening stroll or game of hide n seek.
The world renown bed time story of Peter Pan and his pesky shadow, which is the way my imagination interpreted the meaning of this song by Taylor Swift.
Also, the synchronicity of another song I fell in love with instantly titled “Robin” on 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑇𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝑃𝑜𝑒𝑡’𝑠 𝐷𝑒𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡: 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐴𝑛𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑙𝑜𝑔𝑦 reminded me of the late Robin Williams and his role in one of my favorite Peter Pan film adaptation, 𝐻𝑜𝑜𝑘. It is a song that speaks to my inner child and innocence I still hold on to and refuse to let go of.
Taylor Swift, Robin Williams & Myself all have our rising sign in Scorpio. The rising/ ascendant is calculated by date, exact time, and place of birth per individual. This is what makes astrology a unique blueprint energetically like your fingerprint.
Today, 10/06/2024 in Numerology is a personal day for me of 6. The number 6 is my expression number but also my birthday number.
So if you are born on the 6th, 15th, or 24th of the month you would be considered a 6 birthday number which is the first energetic number patter you receive when you take your first breath.. if it resonates with you.
Peter Pan’s shadow is a powerful symbol of the tension between innocence and self-awareness.
And like in Hook Robin Williams character Peter, the distant father and husband who would travel to the ends of the world for his kids but lost in the corporate structures of a society (work. work. work.) that just isn’t me.. wbu?
He’s forgotten everything. (and R.I.P. Maggie Smith, my love, in some of the films you are in I have memories with my loved ones no longer here and my child self watching you in. What a life 🤍) The late Maggie Smith played Wendy all grown up in the film 𝐻𝑜𝑜𝑘.
Unlike Peter himself, who embodies eternal youth and escapism, his shadow represents the parts of him he tries to escape: responsibility, growth, and the acknowledgment of time and maturity. ( I am in tears as I write this because that’s part of my 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ I wasn’t aware of. 🥲)
I work a “9-5” job that sucks my energy and soul out of me where I make under a living wage in Pennsylvania to survive on their own. If you’re the logical, practical type then maybe on your journey the synchronicities will be in the external so obvious you’ll scream.
Now Kronos (the Greek name for SATURN) is the record keeping software at my place of employment. A software system that keeps track of my “clock in” and “clock out” timestamps to send in to payroll the end of each pay period.
TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⛔️ PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING WITH EXTREME CAUTION DUE TO MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.
“I don’t fucking care.”
“I’ll never love me or be loved.”
“I’m late.”
“I take long lunches.”
“I’m sad.”
“I’m lost.”
“I’m over it.”
“I’m depressed.”
“I’m poor.”
“I make 16 an hour.”
“I’m a victim.”
“I’m hopeless.”
“I get 10 likes on my best photos now.”
“I have no value.”
“I’m a gapped tooth bitch, but I don’t have any gaps.”
“I am fat because I hate me.”
“I just want to end my life.”
These are a few of my negative thought patterns. My limiting thoughts of anger, regret, and self loathing especially on my lowest of days.
Each day is emotionally different, and I am more aware of the nuances of energetic shifts especially with emotion. Not proven, but felt are energies that could be dependent upon the current astrological energetic climate in correlation to my own personal planet placements in my birth chart.
It’s an 8 Year in Numerology which is my life path number based on the time and place I was born.
Saturn is the ruler and the teacher where on a bad day I would classify as Miss Trunchbel in 𝑀𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑙𝑑𝑎, and the planet Jupiter would be like the sweet, loving teacher Miss Honey.
Both planets are energetic archetypes of a bridge to higher consciousness. With it being an 8 year, Saturn is In the story but currently in the watery sign of Pisces. OK on a good day Saturn is like Professor Snape to me.
My favorite character for love of Harry Potter’s mother and the emotion from the books and films. Though strict, it is the father of time. It’s an archetype of masculine, responsible energy especially when it comes to tough love.
The part of me that is Spring Break Foreva still at age 35, is not of the “norm”. What if I don’t want to grow up??!
Through integration of grace, acceptance of my 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ with the conscious part of me that’s fun and on an adventure, I will strike my own balance and forge through on a path that I am creating for myself. This journey I must walk on alone.
Now with Peter Pan’s struggle to reattach his 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ reflects a deeper battle—one with his own identity and the parts of himself he refuses to fully accept. I too am struggling with this aspect of the 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ in my life right now.
The 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ is both a literal and figurative part of Peter that tries to act independently, symbolizing the suppressed aspects of his nature that he cannot control.
It's the reminder that no matter how much Peter wants to remain in the carefree, imaginative world of Neverland, his 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ is tied to the real world, the place where time, consequences, and personal evolution exist.
By chasing and reattaching his 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥, Peter briefly confronts the idea of wholeness.
The 𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ also serves as a symbol for the parts of ourselves we might ignore or resist… our "𝘀⃥𝗵⃥𝗮⃥𝗱⃥𝗼⃥𝘄⃥ self" that holds the fear, the vulnerability, and the aspects of growth.
Yet, like Peter Pan, this year facing and integrating these aspects is the key of my personal evolution into a more complete and authentic version of myself, even if it feels like a departure from the fantasy of never having to grow up.
As a Sagittarius Sun, it’s the part of me in the children’s stories, films, and wonderment that has kept me from the deep end.
As my own spiritual path unfolds and my personal growth story unravels, one thing is for certain... all of the stories & art forms that have been a constant since my first memory still greet me with a gentle reminder that the stories that I hold dear connect me back to my younger self.
And together we will walk through the darkness and overcome the fear.
#Lemon8Diary #scorpion #shadow #shadowwork #shadowworkhealing
Many of us know Venus as the planet of love, beauty, and harmony. But what happens when Venus feels less than traditionally 'benefic'? This is where the idea of 'Venus Kakos' – or challenging Venus energies – comes into play for me. It’s not that Venus is inherently 'bad' or 'evil,' but rather that its energies can manifest in ways that push us to confront deeper truths about ourselves and our relationships. For someone delving into their shadow self, like I have been, understanding these 'kakos' moments with Venus in my chart has been a profound experience. My own chart has Venus in Scorpio, a placement known for its intensity, depth, and transformative power, often bringing powerful experiences around love, values, and self-worth. When I reflect on what it means to 'walk the line' between my conscious desires and those hidden fears, my Venus in Scorpio, especially with Pluto nearby in my first house, feels incredibly significant. Pluto, the planet of death, rebirth, and profound transformation, intensifies anything it touches. So, envisioning Pluto's strong influence on my Venus is like shining a spotlight on 'THE SHADOW' parts of my heart – the deep-seated anxieties about being loved, about my own value, and even about my personal aesthetic and how I connect with others. It's easy to fall into negative thought patterns when these planetary energies feel overwhelming. I've certainly had my share of 'I'll never be loved' or 'I have no value' thoughts. These are my personal 'kakos' – the difficult aspects of my inner landscape that Venus, through its intense placement in Scorpio, seems to highlight. Instead of neatly embodying traditional beauty or harmonious, easy relationships, my Venus placement challenges me to explore the raw, vulnerable, and sometimes painful aspects of love and self-acceptance. This isn't about Venus being 'bad,' but about it demanding a deeper, more authentic engagement with what truly makes me feel valuable and loved, even if it means confronting uncomfortable truths about myself. This personal journey of integration reminds me so much of Peter Pan trying to reattach his shadow. Just as his shadow represented the parts of him he tried to escape, my 'Venus Kakos' moments have been opportunities to understand the hidden fears and insecurities that prevent me from fully expressing my love and worth. It’s about acknowledging that the intense emotions and vulnerability associated with Scorpio Venus, rather than being weaknesses, are actually sources of immense power and potential for self-transformation. It’s a call to embrace 'the shadow' not as something to be feared, but as an integral part of my wholeness and evolution. Through my shadow work, I'm learning to integrate these challenging Venusian lessons. It means recognizing that my capacity for deep love and intense passion comes with the potential for deep wounds and fears. But by consciously exploring these areas, I can transform them into sources of strength and resilience. If you’ve ever felt like your Venus placement brings more challenges than blessings, consider looking deeper. Maybe your 'Venus Kakos' isn't a curse, but a powerful guide leading you to profound self-love and authentic expression. What kind of hidden truths is your chart asking you to 'walk the line' with?
