I made a video, but I’m a writer. So here’s what it’s like losing someone like this.
The guilt creeps in telling you that you’re not allowed to grieve because you didn’t know for two years they were gone. You regret not trying harder to get in touch before now. You wonder how they felt in the end. How they felt about you. If they missed you like you missed them. If they loved you like you loved them.
The truth is I know he loved me. Because he shared so much of himself with me that I was lucky to get close enough to him for a few wonderful years to love him the way I did.
It’s confusing. Most of my friends in my life have been girls. He was special to me. Unique. A mentor.
How do you process losing someone like this? That you loved in a way you haven’t loved anyone before or since.
I haven’t mourned anyone since my dad commited svicide in 2013. And it honestly didn’t hurt this much. Or at least in this way. That grief was anger and hurt. This grief is… like a part of me is gone that I took for granted.
If you have a Brian, tell them you love them. Life tends to throw us the unexpected. Even when we thought we could anticipate anything.