How do I stop sabotaging my relationships?
I keep self-sabotaging every romantic relationship and I just destroyed the longest/healthiest one I’ve ever had. I’ve always been the one to end things and I know my latest mistake was unforgivable. I dated an amazing guy for nearly 2 years, he taught me so much about myself, helped me embrace my feelings and made me want to grow.
But as the old issues that tanked my past relationships crept in, I took him for granted. Deep down, I don’t feel worthy of someone who loves me fully like I don’t deserve a happy, lifelong partnership. I have health struggles and even though he’s in healthcare and repeatedly said he’d stand by me, I’m terrified I’ll become a burden someday.
Then, he started his final semester of med school, I took a new high-responsibility job, and our communication faded. I got on a dating site to chat with strangers but he found out. Now, I’ve probably lost him forever. I’m on meds for anxiety and depression, used to go to counseling monthly, and now start weekly therapy soon. I need to stop self-sabotaging, learn to give as much as I take, and love myself without fearing I’ll weigh others down. Any advices?
Self-sabotaging relationships can often stem from deep-seated fears and feelings of unworthiness, which makes breaking the cycle difficult but not impossible. If you’re struggling with self-doubt and anxiety that lead to pushing loved ones away, recognize that these feelings are common and valid, but they don’t have to dictate your future. One of the first steps toward healing is cultivating self-compassion. Understand that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, and forgiving yourself is crucial to moving forward. Therapy, as you’ve started, can be an invaluable space for unpacking these fears and developing new coping strategies that don’t involve ending relationships prematurely. Communication plays a vital role in building trust and connection. Even with busy schedules or high-responsibility jobs, making time for open and honest conversations helps prevent misunderstandings and emotional distance. Sharing your fears and vulnerabilities with your partner can strengthen your bond rather than threaten it. Health struggles can understandably cause fears of being a burden, but a loving partner, especially one familiar with healthcare, often values emotional honesty and support as much as physical care. Addressing your anxiety and depression steadily, and reminding yourself that your worth is not contingent on perfect health, can alleviate some of this pressure. Lastly, consider balancing independence with intimacy — allowing yourself to receive love and support while maintaining your own goals and wellbeing. Building a healthy relationship is a process, often requiring patience, forgiveness, and consistent self-growth. Remember, you deserve happiness and a lifelong partnership free from self-sabotage.
Continue your therapy and don’t stop until you feel fully satisfied. And if you can invest in special therapy do so it brings variety and insight into other things that may be going on. Such as Creative Block…etc Also set a goal, what do you want to learn about each session. What do you want to improve. What would you like to gain out of your sessions. What would you like to improve on. Last but not least, reflect after each session. See what changed and what still needs improvement. Lastly do not be so hard on yourself, we’re humans and your growing which is a big responsibility too keep up with. Within itself. You got this!.