Abandonment Part 1 of 5

It's a strange feeling, isn't it? That deep-seated urge to make yourself smaller, to be incredibly agreeable, or even selfless, all just to avoid being left behind. For so long, I thought this was just 'being a good person,' but as I started my own healing journey, I realized I was actually living with a core abandonment wound. My original post touched on the idea that 'survival isn't the same as living,' and that phrase truly resonated with me. When you grow up fearing abandonment, whether it was literal or emotional, your brain develops clever ways to protect you. The OCR notes from an image in this series perfectly capture it: 'Abandonment teaches you to survive, but not to thrive.' I learned to 'silence my needs,' believing that if I didn't ask for much, I wouldn't be a burden and therefore wouldn't be abandoned. I became 'small to stay safe,' trying to be invisible so as not to cause trouble. And oh, the 'agreeable to stay chosen' part – that hit hard. I'd bend over backwards, agreeing to things I didn't want, just to ensure people would stick around. And 'selfless to avoid being left'? That's me, constantly prioritizing others' needs over my own, hoping my indispensable nature would guarantee my place. But here's the truth I'm slowly internalizing: these are all survival tactics. They kept me safe in the past, but they are actively preventing me from truly living now. They make you feel like you have to 'disappear to deserve love,' which is the exact opposite of what true connection is about. So, what does 'naming this wound is the first step toward healing' truly mean for abandonment trauma recovery? For me, it means acknowledging that these patterns aren't flaws; they're responses to a deep pain. It's about recognizing when I'm slipping back into those old behaviors. For instance, now when I find myself about to say 'yes' to something I really want to say 'no' to, I pause. I ask myself, 'Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I'm afraid of being seen as difficult and then being abandoned?' This self-awareness is powerful. It’s part of the recovery process. Another step I've found helpful is identifying the specific triggers. What situations or interactions make me feel that old fear of being left? Is it when a friend doesn't reply quickly, or when a partner seems distant? Understanding these triggers helps me prepare and respond differently, rather than react impulsively from a place of fear. Journaling has also become an invaluable tool. Writing down my feelings and tracing them back to the abandonment wound helps me process them. It's a way to give voice to those 'silenced needs' and to validate my own emotions, rather than waiting for external validation. And finally, self-compassion. This is perhaps the hardest part. Forgiving myself for years of these survival tactics, and understanding that I did the best I could with the tools I had. It's about treating myself with the same kindness and understanding I would offer a dear friend who was struggling. True healing from a core abandonment wound isn't about eradicating the past, but about integrating it, understanding its lessons, and choosing new, healthier ways to relate to myself and others. You don't have to disappear to deserve love; you deserve love just as you are.