I need an escape
#lemon8diarychallenge #MentalHealth #Lemon8Diary #mentalhealthawareness #toxicworkplace
⚠️Mental Health Struggles and Toxic Workplace⚠️
The older I get, the more I know about myself. But if someone stopped and asked me, ‘Who is (insert my name)?’ I wouldn't know the answer. All I can confidently say is my profession, my mental health difficulties, and I'm a dog mom. I know I'm more than that. But sometimes I feel like I'm just here. Existing. Like a tiny spec of dirt or sand. I hold no significance. I'm part of something. But I wouldn’t be missed if I was removed or placed elsewhere.
My profession, specifically toxic work environments, does not help with my mental health. It exacerbates it. It makes me feel even more out of place. I'm eager to run away, escape. Let me hide myself, fade into the background, disappear. If I don't breathe, maybe I won't be noticed. If I stop talking, maybe I won't be bothered. Every day I work there, it chips away my light, making me smaller and more timid. If I get less attention drawn to me, I may be able to slip in and out of that workplace, and no one will notice me.
I feel like I'm getting gaslit. One moment, I'm put to shame in front of my colleagues, and the next, it's like nothing happened.
I wrote to my boss about my experience in detail and asked for help, and I did get the help, but it was not enough. I eventually caved in and became finally direct by asking for a transfer and even writing that it was becoming a hostile environment for me, only to be told that I couldn't be transferred.
He doesn't know how my hands get clammy; I feel like tiny baby bats are fluttering around my stomach. My heartbeat increases, and sometimes, my body breaks out into a sweat at the thought of being there. It happens a night or two days before I return to that environment, driving to work and sitting in the parking lot. He doesn't know when (a) colleague(s) put me in a position as if I don't have the clinical expertise and knowledge; I'm crying and sometimes screaming while driving home. I buy too much junk food and binge eat. I forget vital things that keep me safe/healthy. I stopped exercising. I take a safe amount of sleeping pills over the weekend, just wishing I would be able to rest for 10-14 hours into the next day. Forgetting the uncomfortableness or humiliation of the days I work there.
I know it's my fault I make my profession my personality because I love what I do. How can I survive seven more months of this?
In today’s fast-paced world, toxic workplaces can significantly affect mental health. Many individuals experience anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy due to hostile environments. These issues can stem from poor management, bullying, or unrealistic expectations. Recognizing the signs of a toxic workplace is crucial for mental well-being. Common symptoms include chronic stress, increased absenteeism, and diminished job performance. It’s essential to understand that you’re not alone in these struggles. Resources such as therapy or support groups can be invaluable for coping. Additionally, speaking up about your feelings to managers or HR can sometimes prompt necessary changes. Strategies like mindfulness, exercise, and establishing boundaries can help manage the stress caused by work. Remember that taking care of your mental health is a priority, and seeking help is a sign of strength. If you are facing persistent mental health challenges at work, consider exploring options such as professional counseling or a job change. Prioritizing your well-being is essential for a fulfilling career and life.
