Story Timeā¦.. part 4
My nightmares continued. I often had nightmares of pool of blood. I had nightmares of dying. I had nightmares of him breaking into the apartment and grabbing me up out of rage. I had gone away from my job for a week. I was in a different state for a week and felt a sense of relief. I felt as if I was on the run- like I committed a crime.
Even while I was out, I had felt a little sense of anxiety rush through me. It wasnāt until I was back home, thats when it hit. Completely. When I would come off of my elevator, I noticed I would look down the hall and keep walking towards the apartment. My anxiety was heightened to the fullest. A rush of anger came over me. I wanted to meet up with him just to beat him - the way he said how his mother did, until he was blind in one eye. The way we met replayed in my mind and I couldnāt help but also rewind back how I was held hostage in his house. I kept saying to myself, I was almost unalived. I couldnāt help but continuously thank god for a second chance at life. For almost a whole entire year, I wasnāt right mentally. My depression came out of nowhere. I was drowning in that and often felt like I wouldnāt come back up from it.
Nobody knew. The way he had disrespected me. The voice notes played in my mind. Although he was blocked on WhatsApp, I still was able to replay what he said.
āIm going to have to come meet you right now because youāre bugging outā. Text messages that read:
ā answer the phone, you are messing up the relationship.
Me? Me messing up the relationship. I couldnāt help but read and listen to the messages and laugh nervously. Nothing made sense. I still didnāt understand what triggered him to want to slap me. I was trying to add everything up and it didnāt make any sense.
āNOā! I screamed in the middle of the night. My mother rushed in the living room and turned on the light.
āIts alright . You okayā? I had to shake it off and pretend I was good. My mother knew I wasnāt better off. Another nightmare it was. Thatās the only thing that I was glad wasnt real life - the nightmares. They felt so vivid and real.
He barged his way in the house with a chain on the door. I had ran to the back of the room and closed the door. I pushed a bin in front of the door and called the police. As I was getting the address to the emergency dispatcher, he was able to get in the room.
Before it could even get worse, I woke upā¦ once again, gasping. This time, I was alone. I heard knocking once again. It was calm this time. My heart beat so hard and fast, I thought it wouldāve came out of my chest. I remained quiet to see what the person would do if they didnāt hear anything on the other side. I definitely played it smart this time. The knocking eventually stopped.
I felt as if I would have a panic attack.
I didnāt want love but I couldnāt deprive myself of it either. That wasnāt love, it was toxicity. Ms. Brooks wouldāve been my last name, so he said. I highly doubt we wouldāve lasted a month with the way he acted. I thought about how life wouldāve been if I wouldāve stayed. If he wouldāve gotten me pregnant.
Tragic.
#traumahealing #traumarecovery #goodreads #apowellbooks #authorsoflemon8
Living through trauma and anxiety can profoundly affect one's mental and emotional well-being, often leaving lasting scars that are difficult to heal. In situations where nightmares are vivid and recurring, such as seeing pools of blood or fearing violent confrontations, the effects can be both terrifying and exhausting. Surviving these nightmares, especially when intertwined with abusive relationships and feelings of being held hostage, requires enormous inner strength and support. Many people experiencing similar trauma describe feeling as if they are constantly on edge or in a state of heightened fear, sometimes manifesting as panic attacks or chronic anxiety symptoms. Itās important to recognize that these reactions, while deeply distressing, are manifestations of the bodyās natural response to danger and emotional pain. Healing from such trauma often involves acknowledging the impact abuse had, validating those feelings, and seeking professional help such as trauma-informed therapy or counseling. Mental health practitioners trained in trauma recovery can guide survivors through techniques to manage flashbacks, nightmares, and the blurring of reality and traumatic memories. Support systems, including trusted family members and support groups, play a crucial role in recovery by providing a sense of safety and community. While the journey may be long and fraught with setbacks, survivors often emphasize the importance of persistence and self-compassion. Recognizing that toxic relationships are not love and learning to set boundaries can empower individuals to reclaim their identity and rebuild healthier lives. This story also highlights the significance of second chances and the quiet yet profound gratitude that often accompanies survival. It reminds us that no oneās trauma journey is the same, but hope and healing are always possible, and human resilience can shine through the darkest nights. If you or someone you know is struggling with trauma or toxic relationships, reaching out to professionals or organizations specializing in trauma healing can be a vital first step toward recovery. Sharing stories safely and finding your voice can ultimately foster healing, growth, and empowerment.
Part 5 plzā¦ Iām happy you got out of that terrible relationship!