Monologue :What You Need
Toxicity. Back and forth. Blocked. Unblocked.
No caller ID. Yeah. The cycle gets recycled like Poland spring water bottles. I’ve been down this road as well. The bumpy road. The road that nobody ever wants to go down but goes down.
It’s tired. I won’t block to unblock because when I go to blocking, it’s stuck. Like old chewed out gum taped to the bottom of someone’s good shoe.
I’ve been loving and loving and loving and loving and loving. And loving. My love meter has ran out for those that make it hard…. On purpose. I scream out in aggravation. In disappointment. I slam my arm into paintings on the wall. The cuts and glass goes into my skin yet i do not care to scream. This pain feels too familiar. We have all had a sad chapter. A chapter where we regret to read aloud.
I’ve never understood why my love wasn’t ever good enough but was when I walk through the double doors. I always have the million dollar question.
WHY? Why treat someone who you love like they can’t just slip through your hands like sand?
my sad story had been rewritten by different faces of women with different shades of my complexion. I’ve never decided to shun from love. Nor chase it like it was a bag of money. I channeled it to the game. I’ve experienced trauma that left a permanent mark in my membrane. Never did I allow it to change me. Never did I allow an incompetent. Inadequate. Broken down to the simplest fraction of a human tear me down to be a different version of myself Thats unrecognizable. That’s unfamiliar. That is no longer me.
The greatest of all time told me to keep loving. Love until I run up on a heart surgeon. I’ve only run up on losers who wanted to suck me dry of my energy. My love. & change my character because of their half ass stepping. I knew exactly who I was and the type of love I possess. I kept my love in my wallet. Like it was a credit card. It was my state Id. It was something i possessed. Something I cherish.
Trauma has built up like a stack of case files. I’ve been through shit too. I loved when I was only supposed to lust. I loved when I was only supposed to just be a Hi & Bye. I loved when I was hit. I loved when I should’ve never said hi to begin with. Roshane took me through the motions. Said I was too emotional and sensitive. I’ve became a nigga; cold and emotionless. Juwan took me through confusion. One minute he cared and the next he didn’t. Barry took me through manipulation & confusion. Said I was going to hurt him. Said he wanted a plethora of women but could not handle me alone. Isaiah sexualized me & then abused me. One thing they all had in common. They couldn’t love. The whole time my intentions was just to love. These were broken and confused men.
I’ve had my pity parties. I’ve had the times where I almost given up on love…. Plenty of times. PLENTY OF TIMES! Some day, I just knew when it was my turn to Finally love, I wouldn’t regret it. I wouldn’t be scared to open my heart. Yet again, I am scared to open my heart I’ve always been. Especially in this world. In this generation.
The “I Love You”s become questionable. How can you love for real if you never even had it? Authentically. Genuinely. Patiently. Willingly. Knowingly. Did you have to sit and watch me from afar, gyrating so seductively?
Cause I see thats what you may like, but is that what you need?
*drops mic* 🎤
Navigating through toxic relationships can often feel like being trapped in a never-ending cycle of pain and confusion. From my own experience, I understand how the pattern of blocking and unblocking, mixed signals, and emotional exhaustion can drain your energy. It's like being stuck in an emotional limbo where every attempt to protect yourself leads to more hurt. One key aspect I've learned is that recognizing and accepting your pain is the first step toward healing. It's tempting to shut down emotionally or become cold to prevent further damage, but this often only prolongs the suffering. Allowing yourself to feel, express, and process your emotions—whether it's frustration, disappointment, or grief—can be incredibly liberating. I also realized that loving too much, especially when love is not reciprocated or is met with manipulation, can wear down even the strongest spirit. Love should never feel like a one-sided transaction or a way to fill an emotional void in someone else. It is essential to cherish your own worth and set boundaries to protect your heart. The scars left by toxic relationships are real and can influence our future connections. Yet, these experiences also build resilience and insight. Understanding that not everyone can truly love allows us to be more discerning about who we let into our lives. Self-love and patience become vital tools as we wait for authentic, healthy relationships that honor our feelings and integrity. Ultimately, embracing vulnerability again is a courageous act. Despite the fear of being hurt, opening your heart is what enables genuine connection and growth. It’s okay to be sensitive and emotional; these qualities are a sign of strength, not weakness. If you find yourself in a similar place of emotional turmoil, know that you are not alone. Healing is a journey filled with setbacks and breakthroughs, and every step forward brings you closer to the love and peace you deserve. Keep affirming your worth and remember that true love respects, nurtures, and uplifts.