♾️ I am Autistic

It's fascinating how, looking back, so many of my experiences now make perfect sense through the lens of autism. Before my diagnosis, I just thought I was 'different' or 'too sensitive,' but now I understand these were actually common autistic traits. For anyone out there wondering if they might be autistic, especially if you're an adult or identify as AFAB, I want to share a bit more about what these traits can look like in everyday life, based on what I've learned and lived. One of the biggest things for me is being easily overwhelmed or overstimulated. Imagine walking into a busy grocery store, and suddenly the bright lights, the various smells, the chatter of people, and the squeak of shopping cart wheels all hit you at once. It's not just annoying; it can feel physically painful or cause a complete mental shutdown. This often led to me avoiding certain places or needing intense quiet time afterward, which others sometimes misinterpreted as being antisocial. Difficulty with transitions is another huge one. It's not about being stubborn; it’s like my brain needs extra time to switch gears, even for small changes in routine. Plans changing last minute can throw my whole day off balance, leading to anxiety or even a 'meltdown' – which isn't a tantrum, but a complete loss of control due to overwhelming stress. Masking, or hiding these struggles to fit in, was exhausting and a constant part of my life, making me feel like an imposter. Then there’s alexithymia, the difficulty identifying my own emotions. I often knew I felt 'bad' or 'good,' but pinpointing what emotion it was, like anger, sadness, or joy, was a challenge. This made understanding and communicating my needs incredibly tough. And on the flip side, hyperfixating on certain tasks or special interests? Absolutely me! Whether it's researching a specific topic for hours or diving deep into a hobby, this intense focus can be incredibly rewarding but also means other things might get neglected. Social situations were always a minefield. I struggled with the unwritten rules, the nuances of body language, and knowing when to speak or listen. This often led to misunderstandings or me feeling isolated, despite desperately wanting connection. Stimming – repetitive behaviors like fidgeting or rocking – became my way of self-regulating, especially when stressed or joyful. It’s a natural response, but one I often tried to suppress to appear 'normal.' I also found myself struggling with motivation and executive functioning, making it hard to initiate tasks or manage time effectively, and maintaining friendships could be a challenge due to communication differences. It's important to remember that because autism is a spectrum, my experience isn't everyone's. What one autistic person struggles with, another might excel at, and vice versa. There's no single 'look' to autism, and that's especially true for AFAB individuals whose traits are often internalized or mistaken for shyness, anxiety, or even personality quirks. Understanding the spectrum means recognizing the vast diversity within the autistic community. Knowing these specific traits and how they manifest has been key to self-compassion and learning to advocate for my needs. If you're exploring your own neurodivergence, remember you're not alone in these feelings and there's a whole community ready to share experiences.