Gone.
My father in law went on palliative sedation Sunday. That morning, he was able to call me and speak full sentences. That evening, he could only murmur one or two word requests. By the next two days, he couldn't speak at all. Yesterday, he would just stare into the void. I spent all day with him, hoping he would wake up. He just gasped for air over and over. The nurse explained his oxygen levels were at 71 and they asked me to stop feeding him water. His body was shutting down.
My good friend, came to see me at the facility. She invited me to see the new Deadpool movie. I said no at first but then agreed. I went home to wash she smell of death and sepsis off of me, and we quickly scooted off to the showing.
The entire movie, I couldn't keep my mind off of my dad. Something told me I needed to go. So the second I got home this morning at 1:30am, I grabbed my keys and drove.
when I got there, his breathing was weaker than before. They say hearing goes last before death. I told him I was back, and I wish I could make him more comfortable. About ten minutes later, he took his last breath.
In that moment, he was not alone, but in that moment, his soul embarked on a new journey alone. His words from a few days prior lingered in my mind, "I'm just ready to close my eyes and see what's next." Later, I asked him to find my mom and kick her ass for not haunting me like she had promised.
This whole week has had me feeling like life is so pointless.
The experience of watching a loved one pass away evokes profound emotions and reflections on life. During such challenging times, it’s important to cherish every moment and memory shared. Grieving is a personal process, and it can be unique to each individual. Sharing experiences with friends and engaging in activities that distract or lift the mood can be crucial. Engaging in conversations about death and loss with trusted friends or support groups can also be beneficial, allowing for shared healing. Additionally, many find comfort in rituals honoring their loved ones, which can provide a sense of peace and closure. It's also worthwhile to consider professional guidance, such as therapists specializing in grief counseling, who can help navigate the emotions surrounding loss. Remember, the journey of grief is not linear; it's a maze of emotions that can take time to understand and process. Finding a supportive community, whether online or offline, can provide solace and companionship during this journey.