✨Traumatic✨ (for me) Birth Story
From the very beginning, my pregnancy with Miles was hard. I was always in constant pain and fear. My mommy gut was telling me something was off the whole time. This was my third child, and I didn’t even want to have a baby shower, but my family insisted. This was the only one I didn’t plan myself. Does anybody else plan their own events?
As we got closer to the due date, my anxiety grew. I expressed my concerns to everyone, but they reassured me it was normal. Well, I was scheduled to be induced on September 9th. As I sat there waiting, they needed to put in my IV, and at this point, I was starting to freak out. I just knew something was going to go wrong.
To clarify, this whole pregnancy I felt like something tragic was going to happen, either to me or to Miles. I was terrified. Anyway, when they tried to put in my IV, the nurse messed up, causing a black and blue bruise, and my arm was sore for days.
Time passed, and now it’s time to break my water. I’m calm a little bit, maybe it was the epidural mixed with some sleep? Who knows. But as soon as they pop my water and check to make sure things are okay, they aren’t. All I hear is “prep her for surgery.” I just look at my husband, and he just says, “What?” The doctor said when they broke my water, some of the umbilical cord came out also, causing the baby to choke.
Before we even go anywhere, I have a nurse jump onto me and stick her whole hand in to push up Miles so he would be okay and not choke. So I’m laying there, they are pumping me with all types of drugs. I smell the blood, and I’m just scared—terrified, in fact. I don’t see my husband because they have to get him clean and stuff. The one guy just keeps pumping me full of drugs that I feel myself start to go to sleep. I tell the nurse next to me, and she’s just touching my face saying he’s almost here. Good thing I had a good/funny doctor. He joked that there was another one too 😅.
Anyway, at 4 am, I have a baby boy. I didn’t hear him cry at first, but they cleaned him up, and he started to cry. Cody got to hold him and bring him to my face. As Cody’s with Miles and I’m being worked on, the one guy giving me the drugs says, “one to sleep on” and gives me more.
Now, after a C-section, they want you walking after 4-8 hours. It took me 24. I didn’t eat or drink anything for 12. I was so gone off all the drugs they gave me, I felt like a failure. I couldn’t hold Miles for the first 24 hours of his life; I could barely move. I have a picture of me holding him, but I couldn’t feel him. After that picture, I had Cody take him from me because I didn’t want to drop him. I was so upset, couldn’t really try breastfeeding right away, and was in the hospital way longer than I wanted to be. But all in all, I have a healthy baby boy who will be 2 years old soon.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t want another baby, but in the back of my mind, I’m still terrified to go through all that again. Well, thanks for coming to my little post about my birth story with Miles! ❤️
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Reflecting on my birth story with Miles, it’s clear that a traumatic birth isn’t just about the physical event; it’s a profound emotional journey that continues long after you leave the hospital. The initial feeling of failure, not being able to hold my newborn baby for the first 24 hours, was crushing. It took time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion to process what happened and begin to heal. One of the biggest lessons I learned from this experience was the importance of trusting my instincts. From the very beginning, I felt like something was off, a persistent 'mommy gut' feeling. While medical professionals often reassure us, sometimes that inner voice is trying to tell us something vital. Looking back, I wish I had pushed harder, asked more questions, and advocated more assertively for my concerns, even when I felt like I was being dismissed. It’s hard to do when you’re in pain or feeling vulnerable, but it's crucial to remember that you are your own best advocate. That difficult IV insertion, which left a significant bruise on my arm, felt like a small red flag at the time, a prelude to more serious complications to come. Don't be afraid to speak up if something doesn't feel right, even if it's just a minor procedure. The recovery from an emergency C-section was far more challenging than I anticipated. The physical pain lingered for weeks, making simple tasks incredibly difficult. I found that having a strong support system was essential – my husband, family, and friends who understood I couldn't just 'bounce back.' Don't hesitate to ask for help with everything from diaper changes to meal prep. Prioritizing rest, gentle movement (when cleared by a doctor), and proper nutrition became my focus. I also learned that it’s okay to grieve the birth experience you hoped for. It’s okay to acknowledge the trauma and seek professional help if the feelings of anxiety, fear, or sadness persist. Eventually, I found my way to bonding with my precious Miles. It wasn't immediate, but with time, skin-to-skin contact, and just being present, we forged that deep connection. Every traumatic birth story is unique, but the feelings of overwhelm, fear, and even guilt are universal. Remember, you are not alone in your experience, and it's brave to share your journey and seek support.
Forever proud of you 🥺❤️