Marriage is the most intimate and perhaps the most

PROVERBS 31 WIVES

March 06, 2025

MARRIAGE IS THE MOST INTIMATE AND PERHAPS THE MOST COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP

"Marriages fail, not because people have married the wrong people, but because they are not being the right people." Dr. Daniel Sirstad  

Marriage is the most intimate and perhaps the most complicated of all relationships says Dr. Daniel Sirstad in a recent couples marriage meeting at our church. A licensed clinical Pastoral Counselor stationed in Troutdale, Oregon, Sirstad believes that conflict in marriage should be avoided by all costs.  However, such avoidance according to research, primarily happens during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, where  couples are uncritical of each other’s idiosyncrasies as they find ways to navigate disagreements. Hence, during the honeymoon phase both parties generally are too busy enjoying the moment to see or criticize one another’s short comings. While, Dr. Sirstad believes that the honeymoon phase should last the longest in a relationship, unfortunately most marriages enters what he calls the Fog stage anywhere between 18-36 months. 

To this end, Sirstad cites that all relationships, Godly or with humans, is initially fill with excitement, but as the relationship grows, research shows that couples can enter the coming apart stages if they're not investing positively into their love relationships. Verdeber & Verdeber, (2017) cites that relationships decline/dissolve in four different stages. First the couple enters the circumscribing stage "where communication decreases in both quantity and quality. Rather than discuss a disagreement for example, both parties ignore it outwardly even if it troubles them inside. Following the circumscribing stage, is the stagnating stage, during this phase, partners may go through the motions of interacting without enthusiasm or emotion, this stage is where both parties are often times burnt out. The avoidance stage follows and is encompassed by physical distance, which is created between the two parties and they generally make excuses not to do things together. Then they enter the terminating stage. While all relationships do not end, the authors have found that when partners decide to dissolve the relationship, it is because it is considered no longer worthy of trying to maintain. 

But why do couples even get to these stages, is it because of unfilled needs in the relationship? Perhaps it's a spouse who's inattentive to their partner's needs or any other myriad of reasons. For Dr. Sirstad it could be a wife's built up anger which leads the relationship on a course of brokeness. Her anger he notes can stem from factors such as the age and presence of children in the home, by how much the husband helps with domestic chores and by the amount of contact she has with friends. Promoting a healthy balance between these responsibilities, and his aid and her social life outside the home is key for her to maintain both a healthy emotional, and spiritual life. Hence, this balance positively impacts how she responds to him sexually as it allows her to be more intimate and unconditional in the bedroom.

But, how do couples best deal with anger in marriage relationships? Sirstad suggests, holding back and being reflective, which helps couples deal with the anger they feel appropriately. He insists that there are times when we need to forgive more than one time for the same mistake. He cites, that those couples who are mature in their handling of anger and conflict know when to get over trivial matters and when to argue for the sake of things that are important to the marriage relationship.



Dr. Sirstad disagrees with selfishness in relationships such as when one of the parties says their purpose in life is their pleasure and their happiness, as well as with those who are self-righteous, who may say things such as, "I don’t make mistakes or my spouse should already know what I need." He added that some people go as far as to think they can change their spouse to whatever they want. To this end, he added that people change people by loving them, and giving up the strategy of changing them, not by any other methods.

While some may shy away from conflict, Sirstad notes that disagreements and conflicts offer opportunities to achieve both understanding and intimacy. 

Let's talk Fun and Sexual Relations in Marriage

But the seminar wasn't all on anger or emotional turmoil. On the issue of sex, he said that God created sex and he created us as sexual beings.  He advises that sex should be done in a way that it causes no shame and that sexual relationships between husband and wife are to be protected. Sirstad cites that couples experience decreased sexual activity in the first two years of marriage and that couples operate either on a continuum from servant to selfish as it relates to sexual relations. 

Suggestions to improve a couples sexual experience include working on the problem outside of the bedroom, which would impact the affection within the bedroom. As for this writer, these are my very own intimacy and growth list for my marriage.  (a) Talking about life and planning, (b) dancing with my husband (c) sitting and listening to music (d) reminiscing about our lives, travels and young adult kids their careers and their futures.   

Poor habits that impact a marriage include being or having a selfish lover. He emphasized that rarely having sex doesn't build on a marriage and that such selfish acts in a marriage take away from it. Some people he says will even commit sexual sabotage, meaning they pick a fight just to avoid having sex. Another selfish act is when couples choose to share the bed with their young kids or even with pets, which inhibits sexual advances from either couple. We also can resort to letting ourselves go or get to points where we make our partner earn sex. Proposing sex only when both feel like it is also considered another selfish act.

But what exactly would lead us down these paths of destructive sexual behaviors? He suggests that individuals may become selfish lovers based on harsh life experiences. Hence, difficult seasons, such as illness, must be respected, but notes that this should not carry on after the ailment or emotional battle has passed. Other factors that can impact our sexual drive and obligation include sins that are committed against us, as well as inappropriate sharing with others, lack of pleasure, as well as insecurity.     

It is important to remember that a sex act must be lawful, scriptual as well as helpful. Further, he suggests that if a sex act includes humiliation, degradation, or abuse, it is not healthy and is considered enslaving.  He believes that for a marriage to last, a couple also need to be visually generous with their spouse, ladies use your spouse's visual propensity to your advantage, he notes.

Finally, he emphasizes that commitment to marriage does not depend upon every need being met or on our spouses attitude or behavior. Don't know about y'all, but I gained so much from this seminar and hope you've walked away with tons to help you build on your marriage relationship.

Dr. Sirstad provides counseling for couples despite what state you live in. 

Happy Marriage all! Feel free to send me a message if you need his contact information.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         



April 13, 2021

THINK LIKE A MAN! CO STAR TERIA BIRLON SPEAKS CANDIDLY TO PROVERBS 31 WIVES ABOUT LOVE, MARRIAGE, POLITICS AND CAREER.

Marriage is the most intimate and perhaps the most complicated relationship.

#loveactually #love #marriageadvice #marriage #itscomplicated