You Can’t Handle The Truth 🤣👨‍⚖️

💀 This Man Made 40,000 Trades Last Year And Has $11 To Show For It — My CPA Almost Quit On The Spot 💀

Sir. SIR. I need you to put down the Robinhood app and back away slowly. Because what I witnessed in my CPA’s office last Tuesday was not a tax filing. It was a crime scene. There was no chalk outline but there absolutely should have been — drawn around this man’s entire portfolio.

Let me set the scene. I’m sitting in the waiting room, minding my business, sipping terrible office coffee, when I hear what I can only describe as the sound of a grown man’s will to live leaving his body. It was my CPA. A 30-year veteran. A man who has seen things. A man who once calmly handled a client who tried to write off his boat as a “mobile office.” This man was NOT calm.

The client — let’s call him Chad — had uploaded his brokerage statements. The document was 136 PAGES LONG. One hundred and thirty six pages. My CPA’s printer ran out of ink TWICE. The office assistant quietly put in her two weeks.

Chad had executed approximately 40,000 trades in a single calendar year. Forty. Thousand. That is 109 trades per day. That is a trade every 13 minutes assuming he never slept, ate, or used the bathroom — which honestly tracks because Chad had the energy of a man who had been awake since 2022.

And the result of all this activity? Of all this financial wizardry? Of the sleepless nights, the three monitors, the Discord servers, the YouTube gurus, the $299/month trading alerts newsletter?

A net realized gain of approximately twelve thousand dollars. Before wash sale adjustments. AFTER wash sales? Let’s just say Chad’s tax situation had more red than a Wendy’s logo.

My CPA looked at the screen. Then he looked at Chad. Then he looked back at the screen. Then he said, in the quietest voice I have ever heard a human being use, “You traded $388,000 worth of stock… to make about twelve thousand dollars… and triggered $11,700 in wash sale disallowances… and you did this… on PURPOSE?”

Chad said he was “building his strategy.”

My CPA took off his glasses, folded them very carefully, placed them on the desk, and stared at the wall for what felt like four to six business days.

The fees alone on 40,000 trades. The STRESS hormones alone. Chad could have put this money in a boring index fund, gone to the beach, touched grass, learned to paddleboard, and come back with more money AND a tan.

But instead Chad has a 136-page document, a complicated wash sale situation, a CPA bill that’s going to hurt, and a “strategy.”

Let Chad’s journey be your sign to log off. Close the app. Put the money in a low-cost index fund. Go outside. The market will still be there. Your hairline may not be.

We love you Chad. Get some rest. 🙏

Satire Note: This story is entirely fictional and created for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual traders, CPAs, or brokerage statements is purely coincidental and honestly a little concerning for you. This is not financial or tax advice. Please consult a licensed CPA before filing — and maybe a therapist if you relate too strongly to Chad.

#WashSaleChad #40000TradesForWhat #CPATherapyIsReal ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​