My broken truth 💔

Thought I'd give this diary entree challenge a go..

Hmm. I cried last night.

At the worst possible time, too, since it was 11pm and I had to be up at 3am.

It's been a couple of months since my last good cry, and considering I cried almost every day last year, I'd say it's a huge improvement.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

Sometimes life functions so well. Where all I have to deal with is all the other emotions we have to go through. Anger, frustrations, stress, tiredness.

Then, out of nowhere.

Literally. Out of nowhere, it seems.. I break.

I had something like that last night.

I couldn't stop for the life of me.

All the negative thoughts I can usually handle, deal with, or ignore just hit me all at once, and I couldn't stop once it started.

Even now, it's 9am, and I want to cry, a really, really sorrowful, sad cry.

Something people don't know about me, cuz, tbh we know nothing about the people around us, I've lived a long life of truly believing the most horrible, negative thoughts about myself.

I had an epiphany last year.

It finally hit me that I was being so negative about myself.

Yall... I'm 27. Just turned. I was 26 when I realized this.

After realizing this most eye-opening realization, I cried again 😂

I truly lived so long believing what I did as truth, truth like describing your eye color, or hair. Truth as truthful as describing yourself in the way only you would know about yourself.

People always preach to seek help, get therapy, and get better..

But how is one supposed to know they need help if they themselves don't see it?

I feel like I've wasted so much of my life...

I feel like I've wasted sooo much time feeling stuck, believing nonsense, and stuck in a hell of sadness and pain and sorrow that just became a normal part of my life.

And you know what's the worst part?

The absolute worst part of all of this was accepting that I've believed for SO FUCKING LONG THAT I was worth so little.

That I was undeserving of so much.

That I was less than the ants that crawl this earth, ants that actually have a fucking purpose on this earth. Ants that actually have a reason to be here, while I didn't.

Believed for so long that no one could love me. No one could like me. To me, people can barely tolerate me, how could they ever learn to like me, even a little.

My younger sister, by a year, is married with 2 children and one on the way.

She keeps making hints for me to do the same 😂 She wants me to have children so our children can grow up together 🥲

No one knows.. At least they haven't let me know they know anyway, is that I've already given up on that sort of life .

I was in high school when I accepted the fact that there was a fat huge chance and possibility that I will probably never find love, or be loved, or marry and have children, or simply someone to grow old with and have someone love me for me...

You guys.. My mind is so broken.

My soul is broken.

My spirit is so corrupted with so much negativity that it doesn't even know what to fight for anymore. It doesn't even know how to fight for me.

I know I need help.

I KNOW I have to relearn everything, down to the molecular basics of who I am.

I know now, anyway, that I can't keep living this way. That this illusions, these lies, these false realities are simply that: Not real, and not truths.

But I have really no hope of change.

I really have no hope of a happier life than the one I've lived for so many years.

Idk if it's worth the fight. Idk if I'm worth the fight to change.

But the last thing I want is to keep living in regret like I have been for half my life now.

I'm terrified. I truly am.

Of staying stuck, and to heal.

Anyways, this is not a sympathy post. Just wanted to make a realistic post/diary entry of my life.

I'll be okay.

Also, pic has filters on it, and I don't ever look like this. So.. yeah.

#lemon8diarychallenge