Till I drop dead
I've been working since I was 16 (like most people), and I will work until I drop dead, or until my body can not move anymore, and I'm left for dead somewhere 😂
I'm not one to blame my childhood for the outcomes of my adult life, but I did go through a lot of emotional abuse that I'm starting to realize... took a huge fucking toll my shitty mental wellbeing as an adult.
Since the time of the abuse to now, I have viewed myself as a fat, ugly, stupidly stupid individual, whose worth is that than dirt itself, who will never amount to shit, be shit, or do well for themselves.
As a result of that, I've never applied myself in any field I've been in. If I was always looked down on, and I look down on myself, obviously other people will too, so why should I do more than they're not even expecting me to do and be anyways... right? That's always been my logic.
Even when I did work hard, people always talked shit anyway, calling me lazy and big, so... why apply myself?
School? Nah. I was always "stupid" always. Why finish high school when a job is more important? Why try to go to college if I'm an idiot anyway? Why get an education when people will look down on me anyway? No one would take me seriously, so why even try.
Yeah, I know. When you don't try, you fail anyway.
The biggest failures in life are the ones that don't even bother trying, at least that's what my coworker told me.
I should live for myself and go do it anyway. It's my life, and I'm the only one I need to live for..
But I don't even believe in myself. I don't even like myself. How can I even find the confidence to go live for myself?
Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot.
I'm JUST realizing this.
I'm the problem. I've been the problem this entire time.
But even now that I know, I can't help the way I still think and view myself.
I still don't believe I can make any real change.
So, I may be stuck working stupid jobs made for stupid people like me, unhappy and stressed, and stupid.
In today’s fast-paced world, many individuals find themselves trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and imposter syndrome, shaped by past experiences and external judgments. The journey from feeling undervalued to recognizing one’s own worth often starts with small, conscious changes in thought patterns. Building self-esteem is essential, not just for personal happiness but also for career advancement and fulfilling relationships. It's important to acknowledge the impact of emotional abuse, as it can lead to long-lasting effects on one’s mental health. Support systems, whether through friends, family, or professionals, can play a crucial role in this healing journey. Exploring techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help individuals challenge negative thoughts, fostering resilience and a positive self-image. Setting achievable goals also helps in regaining confidence, allowing one to slowly step outside of their comfort zone. Remember, your perceived limitations do not define you; embrace the changes you seek and love yourself for who you are becoming.
I wish there was a way I could do a whole mental reset on myself and go back to the basics of life, so I can restart with no issues or bumps in the road. Bc even if I put in the work, I automatically go back to the negativity. I've been so lost in it until now, it won't be easy to get rid of.