Hey everyone, this is a pretty vulnerable post. It’s not always easy for me to talk about, but I have to say that for the past four years, I have been struggling a lot mentally. I don’t talk about it much, and when I do it’s usually in a joking way, when in real life it’s been pretty bad. I have CPTSD, and depression and anxiety go hand in hand with that diagnosis. I’ve noticed I’ve been dissociating more…to the point where I’ll do it mid-conversation. It’s been so hard. I’ve had to watch my son get hospitalized multiple times and get a lifelong diagnosis, I’ve had people I love more than anything die, I’ve had to set boundaries with family and friends or cut them out, and a job I thought I’d be at for a long time eliminated my position. Don’t get me wrong there have been amazing things that have happened too. I eventually found a new job and we are SLOWLY getting it together. But I feel like I’ve lost myself to grief, and I’m fighting trying to find my way back to me. I truly don’t know who that version of me is anymore. Yesterday was a really hard day for me for very personal reasons, and it had me reflecting on mental health. I always make positive posts telling others 'you’ve got this' or 'you're not alone’ but in reality a lot of the time I’m making those posts for myself, because I do feel alone. Every time I feel like I get my head a little above water, it feels like I’m being forced back down, and I’m drowning. I know feelings pass, and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. I know I eventually will because I always do, but the past four years have broken me in ways I never thought was possible, and I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being “strong”. I am tired of living in this grief. I crave calm. So, I am going to commit to finding healthier coping mechanisms, and I’m forcing myself to take care of myself too, and not just everyone else. I think I deserve at least that much. I am hoping in the future I am hopefully successful and I look back on this post, or just reflect on the past, and say I’m so glad you didn’t give up.
Reading this post really resonated with me. The journey through CPTSD, grief, and the struggle to find your footing again can feel incredibly isolating. It’s truly brave to share such a vulnerable experience, and it reminds us all how crucial it is to actively seek out and commit to self-care, especially when feeling overwhelmed and tired of being 'strong.' The craving for calm you expressed is something many of us understand deeply. When you mentioned committing to healthier coping mechanisms and taking care of yourself, my mind immediately went to the simple yet profound power of a therapeutic bath. It might sound trivial when you're battling such deep emotional pain, but creating a sacred space for yourself, even for a short while, can be incredibly restorative. I’ve found that turning my regular bathroom into a personal sanctuary helps immensely. Dimming the lights, lighting a few candles, and putting on some calming music can transform the atmosphere. Adding Epsom salts, known for their muscle-relaxing properties, or a few drops of lavender essential oil can enhance the experience, making it more than just a wash – it becomes a mindful reset. For those moments when dissociation creeps in or grief feels too heavy, immersing yourself in warm water can provide a grounding sensation, bringing you back to your body. It’s a moment to truly reflect, as that image of a woman making a peace sign and looking for peace suggests, to just be with your thoughts without judgment, and gently let go of the day’s burdens. Beyond the comforting soak, self-care is a mosaic of small, consistent acts. It’s about recognizing that you deserve care, just as you care for others. Maybe it’s carving out time for a quiet cup of tea, spending a few minutes journaling your feelings, or taking a slow walk in nature, observing the details around you. For me, sometimes it's just sitting in silence, allowing myself to feel whatever emotions arise without trying to push them away, similar to how the individual in the image engages in personal reflection. It's learning to listen to your body and mind, acknowledging their fatigue, and responding with kindness. When facing the profound challenges of CPTSD and anxiety, these small acts accumulate, offering tiny anchors in the storm. They help rebuild a sense of self that feels lost amidst the sadness and exhaustion. This commitment to tending to your own well-being is a huge step. It’s not about instant fixes, but about building resilience and gently guiding yourself back towards a sense of wholeness. It’s a continuous process of rediscovering who that version of you is, one self-nurturing act at a time. It truly takes courage to say, 'I am tired, and I deserve calm.' And remember, every small step towards finding your peace, towards finding your way back to you, is a victory worth celebrating. You are absolutely not alone in this fight, and embracing these moments of self-compassion is a powerful act of healing.
