Suddenly.. It hit me.
Let me start by saying this: I do not have regrets. I am thankful. Alhamdulillah. I am who I am because I’ve been through what I’ve been through. I am exactly where I need to be in this moment and always have been. Everything is by the decree of Allah. I needed to learn those lessons so I could appreciate what God has for me in my future. Alhamdulillah. Allahu Akbar.
Recently I’ve been reflecting and I came to understand that I actually wasted my 20s. I look at my 20s and see nothing accomplished but survival and children. Alhamdulillah for it of course but that has me feeling… unfulfilled. I didn’t pour into me. I didn’t know myself the way I thought I did. My 20s was spent chasing my next meal, pretending to be ok and mothering the best way I knew how. My 20s were just a moment to get through. Pouring into other people and not focusing on myself left me with nothing. I didn’t accomplish anything I wanted to accomplish because I was too busy with everyone else. Too busy doing for others. Letting people get in my head. Not believing in myself. Not being confident enough to push through. Playing house. Playing wife. And when I think about it.. what did I get in return? I missed out on experiences for so many reasons. My mom didn’t mother “correctly”. I grew up poor. Nobody ever pushed me to be better. In fact, they made sure I stayed as low as possible. Nobody prioritized me therefore I didn’t prioritize myself. Nobody ever poured into me therefore I didn’t pour into myself. Truth is, I didn’t know how. I didn’t know I could. I don’t blame myself for things I didn’t know. Nor do I grieve that stage in my life. I look back with sadness because I wish I could’ve been there for myself. I simply didn’t have the tools.
It’s funny to think about grief because usually you grieve something or someone you had. But what about grieving something you never had? What about the what could’ve been?
I’ve dedicated my 30s to doing everything I’ve always wanted to do. Doing things that make my inner child happy and things that make my young adult self proud. I’ve decided that I’m going to be the adult I’ve always needed for myself. Pouring into me as much as I can. So from making things pink and glittery to getting a degree. I’m doing it all. Not for anyone else. I’m doing this for me. To make myself happy and proud. To prove to myself that I am worthy of goodness and I always have been. This is the start of me doing more than just surviving.
I am capable.
College starts in a few days.
Many individuals go through similar experiences of feeling unfulfilled during certain life stages. It’s essential to recognize that self-reflection can lead to profound personal growth. Learning to prioritize oneself is a crucial step in this journey. Engaging in activities that nurture your interests, like hobbies or education, not only builds confidence but also fosters a sense of identity that may have been neglected. Moreover, young adults often grapple with societal pressures and expectations that can stifle personal growth. By acknowledging and addressing these feelings, it’s possible to create a more fulfilling life. Journaling about past experiences can also aid in processing emotions and understanding oneself better. As we venture into new beginnings, like starting college, the importance of self-advocacy and pursuing passions cannot be overstated. Focusing on self-care and emotional well-being will significantly enhance your quality of life. Remember, it's never too late to invest in yourself and chase your dreams.
yeah sis 🎀 get it totally 🎀 but I want you to practice looking at age differently 🎀 as we mature and become more "seasoned ", it just becomes more enriched 🎀as anisaa grows in phases/stages...the more we learn the more beautiful the soul🎀 so alhumdulilah for surviving and being the vessel by which your little people came through 🎀👒👒👒