Things I will Teach my Daughter
🩷It is okay to refuse a relative a hug or affection. I had a creepy great uncle who always said “come squeeze my neck.” every time we went to visit. It made me very uncomfortable. But I didn’t want to make anyone upset so I did it. Several close family members ask my daughter for a hug or kiss on the cheek, and if she says “no,” I make sure they don’t push her. Us, as her parents, don’t even push her. We are teaching her that no does in fact mean no. Going into my second point.
🩷When she says no, we stop what we’re doing. Because as above, no means no. Now this comes with our own boundaries as parents too. So if we’re tickling her, and she gets to the point she says stop or no more, we stop. Ask her if she’s okay, and we move on. But, if we’re doing something as simple as walking down the street, and she’s ready to say “no more,” we explain we continue until we get where we’re going, and we ask if she’d like to be carried. As a toddler mom, this isn’t easy and requires a lot of patience, but we feel as if it is important to teach her boundaries. Yet, it’s also teaching her that she can respect our decisions while I respect hers. It’s also giving her choices. Which moves me to point three.
🩷I give my daughter choices every day. And I couldn’t tell you how many times in a day that I hear phrases along the lines of: “You’re letting her control your life. You should discipline her and make her do what you want her to do.” Now do I give her the option to go to her grandparent’s or auntie’s every night just because she definitely likes them more than me some days? No. It all comes within reason. I sat out different outfits for her every day, and she gets to choose what she wants to wear. I find a main subject to our meals, and she gets to choose what she wants with it, or what she wants on it. Ex: I make pancakes for breakfast. Pancakes are the subject/center to the breakfast. As a side she can choose between sausage or bacon. For her eggs, she can choose if she wants them scrambled or fried. Pancake toppings she can choose strawberries, syrup, chocolate chips, blueberries, or her favorite is raspberries.
Keep in mind our daughter is 2 going on 13. Most days it feels like we don’t have the patience. She’s still cutting teeth, and she gets irritable so easily. But we are trying our hardest to let her grow up knowing she has her own choices, and that includes consent. I grew up in a household where a lot of my family didn’t respect my boundaries, and some still don’t to this day. My husband grew up in a household that did, and I feel like his family dynamic was a lot healthier than mine growing up. And I wish to give that to my daughter as well. 🩷
Continuing on this journey of raising an empowered little human, I often reflect on what it truly means to be a 'parenting pioneer' in today's world. It's not just about setting rules; it's about building a foundation of respect, understanding, and self-worth from the very beginning. This is where the 'Motherhood Real Talk' comes in, because let's be honest, it's a constant learning curve for us parents too! When it comes to consent, it goes so much deeper than just physical affection. We're teaching our daughter that her voice matters in all aspects. For example, if she says she doesn't want to play a certain game right now, even if I suggested it, we respect that. It shows her that her preferences are valid, and it helps her understand that she has agency over her own activities and emotions. We also talk about 'my body, my rules' in simple terms, explaining that no one can touch her without her permission, and the same goes for her touching others. This isn't about making her antisocial; it's about cultivating a deep-seated respect for personal boundaries, both hers and others'. Navigating boundaries, especially with family and friends who might not share the same parenting philosophy, can be challenging. I've learned that it's important to politely but firmly reiterate our approach. Instead of saying, "She doesn't want a hug," which can sound like a rejection from her, I often say, "We're teaching her to listen to her body and give hugs when she feels ready. Maybe a high-five instead?" This frames it positively and educates others gently. It's also crucial for us as parents to model boundaries. If I need a moment of quiet, I'll say, "Mommy needs five minutes of calm right now," showing her that it's okay to articulate one's own needs and space. Empowering her through choices has been a game-changer. It's not about letting a two-year-old run the show, but about giving her control where it's appropriate. Beyond outfits and meal components, we offer choices like, "Do you want to read this book or that one before bed?" or "Would you like to help me water the plants or set the table?" These small decisions build confidence and problem-solving skills. When she makes a choice, she owns it, and that sense of ownership is incredibly valuable. It teaches her that her decisions have outcomes, helping her develop critical thinking even at a young age. This whole approach, while demanding patience and consistency, is about raising a child who is resilient, confident, and understands her own worth. It's about breaking cycles of unquestioning obedience and fostering a spirit of inquiry and self-respect. Yes, there are days when it feels like a battle of wills, especially with a spirited toddler! But seeing her confidently say "no" when she genuinely doesn't want something, or proudly presenting her chosen outfit, confirms that these 'pioneering' efforts are absolutely worth it. We're not just raising a daughter; we're nurturing a future individual who can advocate for herself and respect others, and that, for me, is the true reward of this 'Motherhood Real Talk' journey.