A lot of folks confuse “obedient” with trepidation.
I raise my voice often - usually to be heard over the chaos - but my kids never cower when they hear it. They’re never afraid, anxious, or upset.
I’ve seen babies this age flinch when a hand is raised around them… but here is Justin, screaming like a drill instructor, and that baby didn’t bat an eye. He matched the energy because he thought his daddy had introduced a new loud game. Never occurred to him to be afraid because he knows daddy is a safe space.
All that to say, if you’re screaming and being hateful to your children constantly and thinking they’re obeying because of it - just know that it’s likely because they’re terrified of what will happen if they don’t.
They’re not learning discipline or how to behave. They’re learning that the person they’re supposed to feel the safest with - is actually a person that they need to be the most fearful of.
It’s okay to break cycles. #foodforthought #dadsoftiktok #breakcycles #trauma
When it comes to parenting, the emotional atmosphere we create around our children has a profound impact on their sense of security and their long-term development. The phrase "Do you know how safe your children have to feel with you to play like this and them laugh the whole time?" emphasizes an important truth: children flourish in environments where they feel genuinely safe, not just physically, but emotionally. In families where shouting occurs but children do not react with fear, it often reflects a relationship of trust and understanding rather than intimidation. This dynamic shows that children can distinguish between a loud voice meant to communicate urgency or playfulness and one that signals danger or punishment. Authentic obedience comes from respect and clear boundaries—not fear of consequences or emotional distress. Conversely, children who obey out of terror often experience trauma that can affect their emotional health and relationships long into adulthood. They might act compliant but suffer internally, carrying a belief that the very people meant to protect them are sources of fear. This perpetuates cycles of trauma that can repeat unless consciously addressed and broken. Breaking such cycles involves self-reflection and a commitment to nurturing parenting approaches built on empathy, patience, and emotional availability. It requires caregivers to become safe spaces for children, where mistakes are met with guidance rather than punishment. This approach fosters children's self-regulation, resilience, and social skills naturally, creating a foundation for healthier relationships. Additionally, recognizing the energy we project is crucial. Matching a child’s energy can be a powerful way to engage positively—as seen when a child responds to a raised voice by joining in play rather than retreating in fear. It highlights that tone and intent influence children’s reactions; a loud voice doesn't have to mean anger or threat, but can be a shared way to connect. In summary, parenting that centers safety and emotional respect promotes discipline without anxiety, encourages a joyful connection, and aids in breaking generational cycles of trauma. Cultivating this environment demands awareness and effort but ultimately leads to healthier families and future generations free from fear-based obedience.
