The depression diaries- Post #2

Life with depression is hard enough, but once that seasonal depression comes around, it becomes even harder. At least, that's how it's been for me as of recently. I feel like I have functional depression, where I can still do my daily routine (for the most part) and go on with my day. However recently it's been getting harder and harder for me to want to get out of bed in the mornings. I just don't understand why. It's not like I hate my job or anything. I actually really like my job and most of the people I work with. Once I get to work, I try not to get distracted and try my best to stay focused but that's been getting harder as of lately as well. Then I find myself becoming emotionally exhausted by 3' clock. I find myself just sitting at my desk, quietly, disassociating. It's not until I hear a huge noise or someone tries to get my attention that I snap out of it.

Before, I use to feel sad because the job I used to have would step all over me and make me feel like shit. Now, I think I feel sad because of other things, such as my age, my dead-end job, my non-existing love life, my strained relationship with my mother, and the fact that I have no friends.

My daily routine is a bore as well. I wake up, go to work, spend all day there, come home, take care of my younger siblings, go pick up my mother from her job, and then go to sleep. Wake up & repeat. Everyday is the same. I spend most of my time at home laying in bed, doomscrolling through tik tok or even here on lemon8. No one to talk to. My phone never rings. No text messages from anyone, no missed calls or calls at all. My phone only rings if it's a scam call or a notification from social media. Nothing more, nothing less.

I honestly feel like I could die, and no one would care. It would just be like any other day of the week.

A family friend of my mother's tries to encourage me to go out on the weekends, but where would I go and what would I do? I live in the suburbs and there's nothing to do here. I work in the city, but I don't know anything that goes on over there either. Clubs and drinking are not my thing, and I can't dance to save my life. I'm just not one of those girls and no shame to those who are like that. I'm just more introverted, more reserved, more of a loser...I mean loner. Sometimes I wonder if there's more to life than working and paying rent? it's lonely when you have no one to share it with, friend or romantic interest.

#livingwithdepression

#Thedepressiondiaries

#thoughts

#life