The depression diaries #6
I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
When I was sixteen the future seemed so dimmed for me. Going through many life struggles, you don't have time to dream or think about the future. Every day is just about surviving, getting to the next day.
I spent my young adult life working in jobs that would start off full of dreams but end after 2 or 4 years with nothing for me. I'm 28 now, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. For a little bit, I dreamed of having a family of my own some day but in the same way that I have no luck with jobs, I also have had none with love. I fall for the wrong people, try to make a home from trauma bonding that leads to more trauma for me.
Now I'm at a job that I like, but I'm consistently being looked down upon for my abilities. My job is easy, and there's not a lot to it. Which is why everyday I'm thankful that I have a "job," because I'm sure I could be replaced by a computer at any point. Yet, despite that I have coworkers who always seem to have an issue with me or how I do my job. I try not to let it get to me, but on my worse days, there's nothing that breaks me down more than it. I work with a lot of older people who could be my parents age or even my grandparents age, and I actually like it more than working with people my own age. Less drama or at least I thought at first. Now I'm not so sure.
I'm a people pleaser by creation, and I hate it. I'm self conscious as well. I can pick up on moods and others emotions like it's a 6th sense. I can tell when I'm not liked, and I'm consistently trying to prove myself to people. To everyone. At the same time, I have a depression that I just can't seem to cure. No matter how hard I try. I try to be so respectful to the people I work with, and even then no one likes me. So everyday I quietly come to work, do my job, and leave for the day. I put my headphones in and try to block out the whispering about me, the negativity from coworkers who consistently complain about the littlest of things that happen in the office, etc. But I'm only human, and it hurts to always be seen as "Worthless," whether it's at work or home.
In school, I never fit a social clic. I was always "the outcast," becoming friends with people who also never fit in a particular group. Now as an adult, people think I'm weird without getting to know me. So I don't get close to many people, as to not get hurt. I don't like being alone but sometimes I'd rather be alone than to have fake friends who only want to be close to me for favors or when their other friends are too busy for them.
At this point, I'm rambling and I'm sorry reader. I've been bottling all these emotions up for days now and today was the day where my tired mind let it all out.
- Elizabeth
Living with depression often feels like being stuck in a cycle where hope and despair intertwine daily. Many individuals face similar struggles to those shared here—feeling overlooked at work, misunderstood socially, and burdened by persistent negative thoughts. It’s important to recognize that depression can affect every aspect of life, from career ambitions to personal relationships. Navigating a job where your efforts seem undervalued can significantly impact self-esteem. When coworkers’ criticisms and subtle social exclusion take a toll, it can reinforce feelings of worthlessness. This experience is all too common among people living with depression, who may be sensitive to others’ moods and perceive rejection more acutely. Establishing boundaries, seeking supportive colleagues, and focusing on what brings fulfillment can help mitigate these effects. Social isolation also compounds emotional challenges. Being labeled as "weird" or feeling like an outcast creates barriers to forming genuine relationships. Many people with depression struggle with trust, leading them to avoid new friendships or keep connections superficial to prevent further hurt. However, finding even one understanding person or support group offers a meaningful sense of connection and belonging. Trauma bonding in relationships, as described, can perpetuate cycles of hurt. Recognizing unhealthy patterns and working toward emotional healing—through therapy or self-help strategies—can make a significant difference in building healthier interpersonal connections. Importantly, while trying to please others is natural, it often leaves people feeling depleted and undervalued. Learning to prioritize self-care and advocating for personal needs is a crucial part of recovery. Techniques like mindfulness, journaling, and professional counseling can provide constructive outlets to unpack bottled-up emotions. In sum, this personal diary resonates with many who face the daily struggle of depression. It highlights the importance of empathy, self-compassion, and persistence in searching for joy and stability despite ongoing setbacks. Readers who relate to these experiences might find solace in knowing they are not alone, and support is available to help them reclaim their worth and future.