A letter for when Christianity didn’t fit me

This year, i turned 29.

And i have been thinking about all the things i wish someone had told me - not to fix anything, but to simply say: ‘i see you’ or, ‘this is a valid feeling’.

So here are 29 letters to myself. Maybe to you too.

Dear you,

Actually i wasn’t too sure what to name this letter. Because struggle seems like the wrong word to use.

Religion has always been something that you struggled with a lot. Not because you don’t believe in God, but because you don’t know “which God” is real.

I remember being in primary school, and you saw the “religion” field in your organiser book (what is that called again?). You turned to your mom and asked her, “what is our religion?” She looked back at you, and she didn’t have an answer. All she said was “we pray to God lor” - in Chinese. So you decided to just put “Buddhist”. And just like that, you identified as a Buddhist for majority of your school years.

Your first encounter with “Christianity” was when Jackie came to the doorstep. She asked you what you believe. You said, “i believe that all Gods come to be one God and that all religions are actually the same”. And like that, you began a few years of “Bible study” with a Jehovah’s Witness.

Over time, you stopped meeting with her as regularly. But the curiosity towards Christianity has been planted.

The time you genuinely explored Christianity was in 2020. When you decided to read the entire Bible. To understand the religion.

Your journey started like a sprint. You were burning bright. You wanted to find out about everything in the religion. You were attending courses, reading materials left right centre, and even buying a ton of books.

But eventually, it started getting harder. You started wondering if the religion was truly for you. Not because you questioned the existence of God, but because you don’t feel the love that everybody was preaching about. Eventually, you chose to leave the first place that opened your eyes to Christianity.

It was a quiet exit. You just slowly stopped showing up. You just faded away, and eventually, you chose to leave.

For the second and third places, you chose to leave with more intention. You reached out to them, and politely shared that you needed to leave. You can’t really explain why, but you just had to, for your own sanity. The religion was ironically eating you up, and you struggled to even be yourself. You felt like you were living two lives - one with them, and another without them. You struggled to merge and marry the two parts of yourself.

What did i need to marry the two parts of me?

Honestly, i don’t know. When people ask me what made me leave, i don’t usually struggle to share. There was this, there was that. But honestly, i think at the end of the day, it is more than this or that.

One night, when i was thinking of some things, i got reminded, that someone once said, “i left my religion for you”. Not literally leave, but put their religion in the backseat.

That didn’t feel like much in the moment, but that night, the impact of that statement hit.

And perhaps, that was what made me walk away from Christianity.

Beyond having to marry two parts of me that were in conflict, Christianity made me feel like i was forcing people around me to be people that they are not. Christianity made me feel like a hypocrite. When people asked me to pray for them, to give thanks, i felt like a fake. Because i don’t know if my prayers meant anything. But these people were looking at me for hope. Hope that i didn’t know if i was genuinely giving.

Nowadays, when i see people whom i got to know through Christianity on social media, i don’t quite know what to say. I dare not reach out, because i don’t want to explain why i left. I don’t want to correct them when they say “it’s alright to leave the place, as long as God is still in your heart”. Because the truth is, Jesus no longer lives in my heart.

I still believe in God, in a higher power. I still believe that all religions come to be one at the end of the day. But, i no longer delude myself into thinking that Christianity speaks to me.

So if one day you look back and feel guilt for stepping away, remember this: leaving wasn’t betrayal. It was an act of love — for yourself, and for God, however you come to understand God.

Faith doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. It doesn’t need to be measured in verses learned or Sundays spent. Sometimes, faith is simply listening to your own heart, and trusting that truth will guide you.

Love,

pf

PS: i want to caveat that this is my own journey with Christianity, and in no ways does this reflect the religion or anyone with the religion. Religion is a personal journey that everyone should go through and this is my personal journey. Everyone experiences things differently, and by no means am i generalising the religion through this.

#MyPOV #Lemon8SG #GirlTalk #religous