To all the deep lovers…

Every moment I’m with you I feel like I’m dying, like I’m dead from what I feel inside. The dread of not being honest with you. Not telling to the truth, never going to tell you I need you, I need your stupid jokes and the ways you piss me off. I won’t ever get the chance to know if you really see me the way I see you. Because you’ll all I know want. You being an ass and making me threw pencils at your big head. You making me laugh at you being dumb. But when I see you with her, I know we’ll never be like that. You can be yourself with her, but with me. With me it seems like you’re trapped in an awkward situation that you don’t want to be in. And it’s sad because I love taking to you, even if it’s us annoying each other.

every time i am with you, i feel an overwhelming ache in my stomach because i know you will never love me the way i crave you. i cannot imagine my life without you in it, even though i only see you once a day and you barely acknowledge my existence. when i imagine my future, it only happens with you by my side. i see our kids, our house, our jobs, the way you hold my hand and tell me you can't wait to see me when you get back from work. i only hear my name when it's accompanied with your last name. i have our whole lives planned out, so why could you not care less about me? why do you chase girls that want nothing to do with you? why do you insist on torturing me and flirting with me just to leave me crying in the dust? i'll never know. i'm not close enough to you to know what's going on in your head. but i'm not naive. i see the way you take the blame for others' mistakes just so they don't get flamed. i notice the way you text others, usually not at all and leaving them on read, but when you do reply, it's only with audio to text because it's impossible to capture the words in your head by typing them. i hear how you talk to others, like you're trying so hard to seem cool, yet you know you aren't. ive listened to every word you've ever said and put it in a large book, trying to connect the dots of all of the stars in your mind to try and make a messy constellation of what it would be like to be yours, but i don't even know if you think of me half the amount i think of you. every time i am with you, i feel an overwhelming ache in my stomach because i know you will never love me the way i crave you. i know my friends think i deserve better or that you're the worst person ever, but you have saved my life from how perfect you are. you will never know what i think of you, but i can hope that you'll give me a chance. i know if i get one chance at breathing your oxygen, i will be made the happiest woman in the world.