Daily Devotional: What I Didn't Understand Then

There was a time in my life when grief didn't just break my heart... it shook my faith.

I didn't just lose a child.

I felt like I lost my footing.

My peace was hard to find.

And for a while...I felt distant from God.

I didn't know what to do with the pain, so I started to pull away from the only One who could hold it.

I didn’t completely walk away.

I still showed up. I still sat in the seats. I still went through the motions.

But inside, I was hurting, and I didn’t know how to bring that pain to God.

Instead, I carried it quietly.

And in that place, I found myself turning to things I’m not proud of, trying to cope in ways that only added to the weight I was already carrying.

And with that came something heavy...shame.

I thought I had to hide parts of myself from God, even while I was still showing up.

But what I didn’t understand then is this:

God wasn’t asking me to clean myself up before coming to Him…

If I could go back and sit with that version of me; the one overwhelmed with questions, silence, and heartbreak...this is what I would say:

Your baby is not lost.

Your child is not in darkness, not in uncertainty, and not in pain.

Your child is held fully, safely, and eternally in the presence of God.

"But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.'" - Matthew 19:14

There was never a moment where God wasn't holding your child, even when your arms were empty.

God did not leave you.

Even when your prayers became fewer and harder to say.

Even when you felt numb.

Even when you turned away because the pain felt too much.

He did not step back.

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,..." - Psalm 34:18

You may have felt alone, but you were never abandoned.

Grief is not failure.

And feeling distant in your pain doesn't mean you were rejected, it means you were hurting.

But here is what I wish I understood:

Pulling away from God didn't ease the pain.

It just meant I was carrying it without the comfort He was offering.

God was never asking me to have it all together.

He was asking me to come to Him with it all undone.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

If you are in that place right now, where grief feels louder than truth, please hear this:

You don't have to pull away from God to process pain.

You can bring the pain with you to Him.

He is not fragile in the face of your questions.

He is not distant in your sorrow.

He is not disappointed in your tears.

Ten years later, the ache hasn't disappeared, but something has changed:

I know now that my child is safe.

I know now that God never left me.

Even in moments when my faith felt small and distant, I now understand this truth:

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself." - 2 Timothy 2:13

And through it all, I’ve come to understand this:

God has always been the most important, even when my pain tried to make me forget.

Our flesh can pull us toward fear, toward distance, toward anything that numbs the ache; but none of those things can hold us the way He can.

Even in grief, even in struggle, even when our hearts feel far...God remains near, steady, and faithful.

#dailydevotional #remainfaithful #miscarriagestory