Raw Thoughts on Motherhood 🤍

Let me start by saying this:

I love being a mother. I love my baby. I love my little family. Things are good right now — really good.

But I’m also human, and motherhood comes with a lot of feelings.

I’m 3 months postpartum, and I know I’m lucky that things haven’t been “that bad.”

But here’s what I’ve been experiencing so far:

• Losing my sense of self

• Losing how I used to live my life

• Feeling like every decision I make is do-or-die

• Everything feeling a little dull

• Very few things bringing me joy

• Feeling immense guilt whenever I think about wanting “me time”

It all started when my family kept asking if I was latching. I explained that I was struggling — my chest is just too big for either of us to be comfortable, so I decided to pump instead. But they kept pushing, saying it’s “the most beautiful experience.”

So I tried. Over and over. Different positions, props, everything. It was miserable. Eventually, I started lying — saying I was latching just to make the comments stop.

Then came the pumping journey… and honestly, it was no better. Pumping every 3 hours non-stop was a nightmare. The lack of sleep, plus caring for a newborn, was brutal. My partner helps a lot, but since they work, I can’t expect them to lose as much sleep.

And the worst part? Every time I pumped, I felt a wave of depression and anxiety crash over me.

Silently crying while the pump ran for what felt like hours. And after all that? Maybe 1 ounce between both sides.

I tried every hack out there — nothing worked. I eventually weaned off pumping, but my partner’s comments kept coming:

“You should pump.”

“Don’t do that, it’ll affect your supply.”

“I read this helps boost milk.”

“If you’re going to pump, do it right.”

The pressure was unbearable. Out of guilt, I kept going.

Until I got my period.

Pumping or breastfeeding while on your period? That was my breaking point. The tears wouldn’t stop. I felt like I was drowning — hopeless, useless.

So I stopped. Just… stopped.

Of course, that led to an argument. But honestly? What does he know? He’ll never experience what this feels like.

It’s been a month since I quit pumping. I let my baby latch occasionally, but my mental health has improved so much.

And you know what? Zero guilt. Because my baby is fed, happy, and healthy.

And mama? She’s finally happy, too.

I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here.

Let’s just say… the journey is a lot.

And don’t even get me started on the vices — I crave a glass of wine and a little “gardening” (if you know, you know). Now that I’m done breastfeeding, I might dabble again — just to feel a bit more in control.

With zero guilt.

Maybe.

Because sometimes I feel guilty about not wanting to feel guilty.

Oh boy… the cycle begins.

#postpartummom #firsttimemom #guilt