The ONE skill that changed everything for me ✨
Hey Zesties! 🍋
Using this photo because this was right smack in the midst of a meltdown and I was just about to enjoy my matcha 😪
Before becoming a mum, I had the perfect image of what kind of mum I would be. Cool, unbothered and chic (lol). I’ve always heard people say motherhood comes naturally and I also believed that every kid is different - so I guessed I would just go with the flow. Sounds easy right?
I’ve also seen many many manyyyyy of my friends who became parents and also thanks to church I’ve witness all sorts of parenting styles. Most times during gatherings my husband and I will look at each other discretely and after that we will talk about what we observed about how our friends parented (of course this was when we didn’t have a kid and we were very free people watching lol).
Parenting is so layered - because it’s not just what we want to do, but what we align with our partners, who we are as a person, how we want to prevent our childhood traumas, how we want our kid to grow up in the way that we hope.. and honestly so much more.
Now that I’m a mum - I’ve come to realise that there is really one skill that SO important and it has changed everything for me.
And that’s SELF-REGULATION.
It’s not about how bad your kid cries, or meltdowns, but it’s about how well you can stay grounded when everything feels chaotic.
It’s noticing your triggers before they take over.
It’s pausing before reacting.
It’s learning to repair when you lose it (because you will and news flash: we all do).
It’s about learning how to self-regulate so that your kid can co-regulate. (Co-regulation means that your calm is their calm - you can google more about it).
Kids don’t just learn from what we say. They absorb how we handle frustration, disappointment, and stress. When we can stay calm, they feel safe.
That also means that you work A LOT at yourself. You work at being the best version of yourself. You figure out what are your triggers and your traumas - and actively work on them. You work at eating well and resting well. You work at regulating throughout the day, not just in crisis (so that your emotions don’t have crazy ups and downs). You
reflect at what went wrong (and also sometimes what went well and how you can replicate it).
Here are some things that have helped me self-regulate:
- Saying to myself “I’m okay, I am safe” especially when I notice that I am in fight or flight mode or just reminding myself “My calm is my baby’s calm” (of course what you say to yourself depends on what your triggers are)
- Reframing and seeing from the perspective that my kid is not trying to give me a hard time but IS having a hard time.
- Stay curious. It’s often times not the behaviour but what’s causing the behaviour. What is my kid trying to say in this situation (E.g. is the fussiness because baby is overtired? Hungry? Overstimulated?)
- Ask my partner to take over if I feel that I am about to lose it.
- Do like 3 deep breaths to re-set myself before I deal with the situation.
- Hug my baby (depending on the situation). I’ve found that sometimes physical nearness / connection helps both of us.
A few other things that have supported me, alongside self-regulation, are:
- Communicate regularly (and in-depth) with my husband. A healthy marriage helps with self-regulation too.
- Having regular me-time and doing things that energises me. This is so hard when mum-guilt is so real. Mummies we need to remember that a healthy you is a healthy home and a healthy kid.
- Working on myself. This takes the form of coaching these days (having a coach) and I am also training to be a coach myself. My coaching practice has given me tools to stay curious instead of being reactive.
Hopes this helps!
I would love to hear any parent out there who also has some tips to share on this parenting journey 🥰
If you're looking to deepen your understanding of effective parenting, taking structured courses like Udemy's parenting classes can offer valuable insights into child development and behavior management. Integrating such learning alongside personal practices like self-regulation enhances your toolkit for handling everyday challenges. In addition to managing your own emotions, finding simple, cost-effective activities—like exploring "five frugal things"—can provide stress-relief and joy for the family without breaking the bank. Engaging with hobbies such as learning to play the ukulele or using educational apps like Duolingo can be soothing both for parents and kids, promoting mindfulness and shared fun moments. Remember, parenting is not a solo journey. Seeking continual growth through various resources and balancing self-care supports your ability to stay grounded. When you invest in yourself, you nurture a healthier environment for your children to thrive emotionally and socially. Keep practicing self-regulation, lean on supportive communities, and consider extra educational tools to foster a holistic approach to parenting success.
am not a mom but self regulation is important for everyone and most adults don't do this. 🥲 thanks for sharing these tips.