Clarity Series #38: “People are saying…” but who?
Why do they bring up other people when they feel you shift?
Clarity Series #38
Relational Triangulation
Relational triangulation is when someone brings in other people the moment they feel like they’re losing control of you. Not to understand you. Not to resolve anything. To make what they’re saying feel bigger than you.
“It’s not just me.”
“Other people have noticed this too.”
“Everyone sees it.”
“My family doesn’t like you.”
“I’ve talked to people about you.”
The second that’s said, something drops in you.
You’re not talking to one person anymore. It feels like something about you was already discussed somewhere else and now it’s being delivered. Like you walked into the end of a conversation you were never part of. Like they made themselves the judge and the jury at the same time, banging the gavel and handing you the verdict. And your role in that moment is to sit there and take it in like it’s already been decided.
Then it escalates.
“You’re crazy.”
“You’re out of your mind.”
“There’s something really wrong with you.”
“You need therapy.”
“Maybe you should be on medication.”
“We’re all really concerned about you.”
“You’re seeing things.”
Now it’s not about what happened. It’s about you.
Family
“We’ve all been talking about you.”
“Everyone in the family sees it.”
“We’re really concerned about you.”
That doesn’t feel like support. It feels like your name was passed around, your behavior picked apart, and a conclusion was made without you. Like your place in your own family is being quietly decided and you’re the last one to hear it.
Relationships
“You’re asking for too much.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“No one else has a problem with this but you.”
“Other people would be fine with this.”
Now it’s not about the relationship. It’s about making you feel like your needs are the problem. Like you’re too much. Like you’re the one who has to adjust just to be accepted.
Work
“People have been complaining about you.”
“There are concerns about you.”
“We’ve been hearing things.”
And you’re sitting there thinking…
Who?
Who said that?
When?
Because no one came to you. No one said anything directly. You’ve never even heard this before. But now it’s being handed to you like it’s real, like it’s known, like it’s already been agreed on.
What this does
You go from knowing to questioning. From speaking to explaining. You replay everything. You check your tone, your words, your presence. And there’s a moment where you feel smaller. Like it would be easier to agree than stand there alone.
Shadow work
Did I just abandon what I know is true because it sounded like “everyone” agreed?
What is the real issue here, not the “everyone”?
So stop there.
Did you actually hear all those people say that?
Or did one person say it for all of them?
Because most of the time there is no “everyone.”
There is one person who felt you shift and needed control in that moment. So they made it bigger than it was. They made it a group. They made it a verdict.
If you have something to say to me, say it to me.
I speak what I become.
Healing is around the corner—you just have to keep walking 💜🙏🏻
Relational triangulation can be a confusing and emotionally draining experience. From personal experience, I found that when someone brings up 'other people' during a disagreement or moment of change, it often signals a deeper attempt to exert control rather than a genuine effort to resolve an issue. I've noticed this pattern especially in workplace conflicts and family dynamics where the phrase 'people are saying' suddenly appears as a weapon to isolate or invalidate my perspective. What helped me was shifting my focus from the vague ‘everyone’ to identifying if it’s really just one person speaking on behalf of the group. This awareness empowered me to ask direct questions like, “Who exactly has expressed this concern?” or “Can I have that conversation with those people directly?” These small but important steps helped me avoid falling into the trap of internalizing unsubstantiated judgments and saved me from self-doubt. Another useful approach is what’s sometimes called ‘shadow work’—reflecting on why you question your truth when faced with anonymous consensus. It helped me recognize that the real issue was not what the nebulous ‘everyone’ supposedly thought, but the need for the other person to regain control by making the problem seem bigger and communal. In family situations, it can feel isolating to hear ‘we’ve all been talking about you’ without ever being part of that conversation. From my experience, it's essential to establish healthy boundaries and communicate openly whenever possible. You can affirm your own feelings by saying something like, “I want to understand what the concerns are but I’d appreciate if we talk about it directly.” This sets a healthier tone and stops the rumor mill before it escalates. In the end, relational triangulation is less about the truth of ‘what is said’ and more about the power dynamics at play. By learning to recognize and confront these tactics with calm assertion, you take back your agency and prevent needless self-doubt. Remember, if you sense that ‘everyone’ is being used as a tool to make you feel smaller, pause and ask yourself—who is really speaking here? Keeping that clarity in mind helps maintain your emotional well-being and fosters authentic communication in your relationships.