When They Prove Why You “Deserved” It
You ever watch someone get called out… and instead of owning it, they start digging through their memory to prove why you deserved it?
Clarity Series #39
False Equivalency
This is when someone feels the pressure of being wrong… and immediately starts searching for something you did so they can justify it. Not to understand it—so they never have to apologize.
“Yeah I did that… but look what you did to me.”
“You pushed me there.”
“I wouldn’t have acted like that if you didn’t—”
“So now we’re just forgetting what you’ve done?”
“You’re acting like I did this for no reason.”
Family
“I yelled because you don’t listen.”
“You’ve disrespected me plenty of times.”
“You act like you’re innocent in all this.”
And you can feel it shift… this moment just got pulled into something else.
Relationships
“I pulled away because of how you act.”
“I said that because I was hurt by you.”
“You created this situation.”
And now you’re not in a moment anymore… you’re in a defense case built against you.
Work
“I reacted like that because of how you handled things.”
“You put me in that position.”
“That wouldn’t have happened if you did your part.”
And now the mistake isn’t theirs—it’s a response to you.
What this does
It flips the entire weight of the moment.
You go from being impacted… to being the reason.
You feel that split second where you almost agree just to keep it from escalating.
And that’s where it disappears.
Shadow work
I’m not accepting blame to make this easier for you.
Your choice is still yours.
Did they actually take responsibility… or did they explain it away?
This isn’t mine to carry.
I speak what I become.
Healing is around the corner—you just have to keep walking 💜🙏🏻
In my own experience, encountering situations where someone tries to prove why I "deserved" their negative actions can be exhausting and emotionally draining. This defensive tactic—often called false equivalency—shifts the focus away from the original issue, leaving you caught in a cycle of blame rather than resolution. I remember a time at work when a colleague reacted harshly to a miscommunication. Rather than addressing their reaction, they immediately pointed out a previous mistake I made, acting as though my past actions justified their behavior. This made me question myself briefly, as many do when faced with this tactic, but eventually I realized that their response wasn’t about understanding or apology—it was about deflecting responsibility. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward protecting your emotional wellbeing. When you feel the conversation flip into a blame game, remind yourself: true accountability involves acknowledging each person’s part without erasing the other's experience. It’s important to keep clear boundaries and avoid being pulled into defensiveness or guilt that doesn’t belong to you. In family or romantic relationships, this dynamic often feels even more painful, as emotions run high and history is long. Phrases like "I only yelled because you don’t listen" or "You hurt me first" essentially build a "case" against you, shifting the moment from the real issue to a defense. I’ve found that calmly naming this behavior when it happens can help bring some clarity: "I hear what you’re saying, but it feels like the focus is moving away from the core issue. Can we try to address what happened without assigning blame?" Additionally, shadow work—reflecting on your own triggers and boundaries—has been helpful in avoiding the trap of automatic self-blame. You can choose not to carry the weight of someone else’s excuses or justifications. Ultimately, healing from these interactions means learning to set emotional boundaries and understanding that responsibility is personal. As the phrase from the image says, "You didn't take responsibility... You built a case." Recognizing this empowers you to step away, protect your peace, and continue your own journey toward emotional health and vulnerability.
Notice how fast it turns into you feeling like you’re being attacked You brought up one thing… and suddenly you’re defending everything They don’t stay here… they move it somewhere else You can feel when it leaves the moment and turns into something bigger You weren’t wrong… it just didn’t stay where you put it One line to say “Let me know when you’re ready to talk about this… I’m not talking about the past.”