The Rebuilt Series No.8: Revenge? Mission impossible
The best revenge on abusers, honestly, is to be happy without them, to rise above their level (which, in many ways, we already do), and to become completely out of their reach. But if your sense of relief is rooted in justice, I feel you.
In the link in my bio, I analyze the paradox of revenge. Why it can feel impossible and why, even if it is achievable, it still won’t bring you glory. Image: Kate Kasiutich via Unsplash
*What is the Rebuilt Series? Like many adults coming from a dysfunctional family, having gone through an abusive early social group, and/or having survived SA and DV, I’ve heard too much unsolicited advice, judgment, and preaching when seeking support. So much more than understanding. Rather than reassurance, this series shares the vocabulary, strategies, and clarity that I’ve gained over time.
*Note: This content is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as advice.
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From personal experience and conversations with others who have endured emotional abuse and trauma, I've found that revenge is often an elusive and double-edged sword. Many survivors expect that retaliation will bring closure or justice, but what often follows is more emotional turmoil. Instead, I learned that the real power lies in reclaiming your happiness and peace. One important aspect is recognizing how abusers manipulate perceptions to maintain control. They craft personas designed to lure you back or to confuse your sense of reality. This manipulation can make the desire for revenge feel urgent but also confusing and draining. Understanding this dynamic helped me stop chasing revenge, which I now see as a distraction from true healing. Also, competing with an abuser’s immature, manipulative behavior is like fighting an endless, exhausting battle one cannot win. Their tactics are designed to provoke and unsettle, not engage in sane conflict. Accepting this helped me shift focus from them to myself and my growth. In my journey, I embraced the idea that the best revenge is sometimes indifference or thriving beyond their reach, not because of them but in spite of them. This doesn’t minimize the pain or the complexity of emotions but reframes success as regaining autonomy and joy. For survivors wondering about revenge, it's worth considering the paradox: revenge may offer temporary satisfaction but does not guarantee lasting fulfillment or justice. Focusing on trauma healing and emotional recovery instead provides a more constructive path forward. If you are facing similar challenges, know that feeling conflicted about revenge is natural. Seeking support, using clear vocabulary to express your feelings, and gaining strategies for emotional regulation can empower you. You are not alone, and your well-being is the ultimate goal beyond any notion of retaliation.
