He's A Narcissistic POS! 🖕🏾
They don’t always show up loud and arrogant. A lot of them show up as:
• Charming at first — intense connection, fast bonding, “I’ve never felt this way before.”
• Victim-coded — everyone from their past “did them wrong.”
• Inconsistent — love one day, cold the next.
• Control disguised as concern — “I just care about you,” but you’re shrinking.
• Gaslighting — you question your memory, feelings, sanity.
• Withholding — affection, validation, clarity, closure.
• Moving goalposts — no matter how much you give, it’s never enough.
They don’t love the person — they love the supply:
attention, admiration, emotional labor, sex, stability, money, forgiveness.
How they hook you
They study you.
Your wounds. Your softness. Your loyalty.
Then they become what you’ve been missing.
It feels like:
“Finally, someone sees me.”
Until…
“Why do I feel so small, confused, and anxious all the time?”
The cycle (this is key)
1. Idealization – you’re everything
2. Devaluation – subtle disrespect, distance, criticism
3. Discard / Threat of loss – silent treatment, breakups, cheating
4. Hoovering – apologies, promises, breadcrumbs
And each cycle chips away at your self-trust.
Why it’s so hard to leave
This isn’t weakness. It’s psychology.
• Trauma bonding (your nervous system gets addicted to the highs/lows)
• Intermittent reinforcement (love becomes a gamble)
• You keep chasing the version of them that never stayed
• You start believing if you just love better, they’ll change
They usually don’t.
What healing actually looks like
• Clarity over closure — closure rarely comes from them.
• No contact or strict boundaries — explanations just feed them.
• Rebuilding self-trust — learning to believe your feelings again.
• Grieving who you thought they were — not who they are.
• Learning to sit in peace — because chaos was normalized.
Love is not confusion.
Love does not cost your identity.
Love does not punish you for having needs.
If this resonates
You’re not crazy.
You weren’t “too much.”
You were manipulated by someone who needed power, not partnership.
My marriage 😭