When Leadership Turns Bitter

You know, there’s this conversation going around about older Black women in leadership, how some of them are the hardest to work with. And honestly, I’ve seen that too. Not all, of course, I’ve had great bosses, but there’s a pattern a lot of people can relate to.

Sometimes it’s not just that they’re strict; it’s the tone, the way they talk down to you, like you’re beneath them. And it’s confusing because you’d think they’d pull you in, mentor you, lift you up. Instead, some seem to make things harder.

But here’s what I’ve come to realize: a lot of it comes from pain that never healed. Many of these women fought through discrimination, disrespect, and survival in systems that constantly tested them. They had to build thick skin just to stay standing. The problem is, over time, that armor became their personality.

Now, instead of protecting them, it isolates them, and it damages everyone around them. The same pressure that once broke them a little becomes the same energy they pass on to others. It’s a cycle of pain being recycled instead of released.

And I’m not excusing it, it’s still wrong to treat people that way. But I think it helps to understand it. Because once you understand it, you stop taking it so personally. You realize: This isn’t really about me. It’s about what they never got to heal from.

The truth is, leadership doesn’t have to feel heavy or miserable. The younger generation is showing that structure can still have softness, that you can hold people accountable without breaking their spirit.

So maybe that’s what our generation’s job is now: to lead differently.

To take what they endured, learn from it, and not repeat it.

To be firm, but fair. To correct, but not crush.

Because the real mark of growth isn’t how much power you hold.

It’s how much healing you refuse to pass on.

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