How should I break the cycle?
Three months into dating my boyfriend and I’m unrecognizable. Between my OCD, CPTSD, and anxious attachment, I’ve been spoiling him rotten, overcompensating, and letting my self-respect slip. The anxiety’s so bad I started antidepressants cause I’m scared to lose him.
An astrologer once told me I’d never have a happy love life. I was desperate (still figuring out where I belong and supporting my family) and clung to it, now it’s a voice in my head saying I’m doomed.
I’m in therapy, trying to grow but relationships turn me into someone I hate. I am snappy, clingy, “toxic” (my word not his). I feel like I’m expecting him to fix my messy life, even though I don’t mean to. I’ve stopped dreaming big cause I’m scared of failing again. Has anyone else lost themselves trying to please an avoidant partner? How do you break the cycle without losing your tenderness?
It’s common to feel overwhelmed and lose yourself when trying to hold onto a relationship, especially if you’re dealing with anxiety, PTSD, or attachment challenges. The phrase from the image, "I'm bending over backwards for him and losing myself," perfectly captures this painful struggle many face. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward healing. Living with anxious attachment often makes us seek reassurance excessively and overcompensate to avoid abandonment. This can lead to emotional exhaustion and feeling "toxic" or "clingy," as described. However, therapy and self-awareness are powerful tools that help build healthier boundaries and self-respect. One effective way to break the cycle is by prioritizing your own needs and dreams, even when it feels risky. Communicate openly about your feelings without expecting your partner to "fix" your life. Celebrate small victories in self-growth and remind yourself that your worth doesn’t depend on another person’s approval. Cultivating self-compassion is crucial. Instead of judging yourself harshly for being anxious or "toxic," try to acknowledge your feelings as valid responses to past trauma or insecurity. This mindset fosters tenderness towards yourself, which you can then extend to your relationship. Lastly, remember you’re not alone. Many people with avoidant or anxious partners find themselves losing their identity. Joining supportive communities and practicing consistent self-care will help you regain control and transform your love life into one that nourishes rather than drains you.
i def lost myself too!! i was trying so hard to protect him from my issues & be there for him that it pushed him away.. it’s still hard 4 yrs later 🥺