This is what no one tells you about grief …
It’s November 11th, and like clockwork, I feel it coming…the weight before the date.
Every year, I start bracing for impact.
Questions flood my mind.
Do I post a tribute this year? Do I even have the strength? What if I smile that day, will people think I’ve forgotten? What if I can’t get out of bed, will they think I’m still stuck? What if I wake up feeling happy….then the guilt creeps in.
What if I can barely get out of bed….more guilt.
What if I just want to be alone for a few hours and reflect? Then I feel guilty for shutting everyone else out.
When I tell you grief isn’t linear, I mean it with every ounce of my being.
Every year is different. Every year, I carry the weight in a new way.
But no one tells you about the guilt that comes with grief.
The guilt of still being here. The guilt of smiling again. The guilt of how you’re grieving.
It took me a long time to learn this…👇
I no longer apologize for my emotions.
Not for joy. Not for sadness. Not for anger. Not for the quiet moments of reflection that others might not understand.
Because my grief belongs to me.
And your grief belongs to you.
Can we please normalize not judging how someone else grieves….. or assuming what grief “should” look like when we’ve never walked on their road ?
Grief is often misunderstood as a straightforward process of sadness that eventually fades with time, but the reality is far more complex and deeply personal. One aspect rarely discussed is the powerful and conflicting emotion of guilt that accompanies grief. This guilt may arise from surviving when a loved one has passed, from experiencing moments of happiness, or simply from feeling that one’s grief does not meet others’ expectations. It’s important to recognize that grief is not linear. Many people experience fluctuating emotions that change from year to year or even day to day. There can be times of joy, remembrance, anger, or quiet reflection—each valid and worthy of acceptance. Normalizing these diverse expressions of grief helps individuals feel supported rather than judged. Another often neglected truth is that social pressures can make people feel as though they must grieve in a certain way or on a specific timeline. This can lead to self-questioning: Should I post a tribute? Am I mourning enough? Should I hide my happiness? These questions only deepen the weight of grief, adding feelings of isolation and self-doubt. To cope, it’s helpful to give oneself permission not to apologize for any emotion felt—whether joy, sorrow, anger, or peace. Everyone’s grief journey is unique and personal, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Creating supportive communities where people can share their stories without fear of judgment can provide immense healing. If you find yourself facing anniversaries or meaningful dates that stir grief, try to acknowledge whatever feelings arise without guilt. Allow yourself moments alone for reflection if needed but also reach out for support when ready. Remember, grief belongs to you and shapes your journey; embracing its complexities can lead to profound growth and understanding.
