Staying in the permanent state of romantic excitation is not possible.
When Alan Watts was asked why one could not remain in satori (sudden enlightenment) he replied, “Because you bloody well can’t.”
Of course joy in the Other, trust, deep caring and commitment may abide.
We have a word for this continued feeling; it is love.
It is not as intoxicating or illusionary as romance but it has the potential to last.
Ultimately the health and hope of any intimate relationship will depend on each party’s willingness to assume responsibility for the vertical axis, the relationships to one’s own unconscious material.
It is through taking on the heroic task of lifting our projections of Eden off of the Other that we may best serve their interest, that is, love them.
As Mahatma Ghandi said, “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the easy perogative of the brave.”
Projection, fusion, ‘going home’ is easy; loving another is heroic.
If we really love the Other as the Other we have heroically taken on the responsibility of our own individuation, our own journey.
St Augustine put it this way, ‘Love is wanting the other to be’.
🦋🎼
From my experience, navigating the shift from the whirlwind of romance to the steady grounds of lasting love can be challenging but deeply rewarding. Initially, the intense excitement feels like the pinnacle of connection, yet it’s unsustainable as Alan Watts suggests. What follows is a maturation process where joy, trust, and commitment replace the early intoxication. A key realization for me was understanding that love demands responsibility—especially the responsibility we have toward our own unconscious motivations and projections. It’s easy to idolize a partner through rose-colored lenses, but true love invites us to confront our inner shadows and see the other person authentically. This heroic task of lifting our projections allows us to honor the Other as they truly are, not as an idealized version. This process, though challenging, deepens intimacy and fosters genuine caring. Gandhi’s idea that bravery is required to love resonates strongly here; it takes courage to love without illusions or conditions. In my journey, embracing this responsibility has been transformative. I've learned that healthy relationships thrive when both individuals embark on their self-discovery and individuation. To love the Other 'as the Other' is a continual practice of acceptance and growth. Lastly, reflecting on St. Augustine’s wisdom—‘Love is wanting the other to be’—reminds me that love is less about possession or fusion and more about wishing and supporting the other's authentic existence. This mindset shifts the relationship dynamic from dependency to mutual respect and freedom, which is the foundation for enduring love.
