Realising how toxic my dad is after bcoming a mom🤮
Hello everyone. Yknow things are bad when I open lemon8 to rant about my life. Dont want to burden anyone in my life too much with my sob stories so here I am, just journaling my thoughts 🥲
Things haven’t been doing great lately. My baby’s, who is now the cheekiest toddler, pre-school met with some mishap two weeks ago and unfortunately, had to close down by 12/10/2025. We received the news of the school closure only on 9/10/2025, which was 3 days before it’s gonna happen. Like every other parents, I was alarmed and I immediately got out of my seat to discuss this news with my husband/mother/father. I broke them the news and told them that we have to start discussing on how to manage this situation together as a family.
But to my horror, my dad gave the world’s most selfish response that I could ever imagine. When I told him that I may need his help with picking my toddler up after school from the temporary school location (which is quite a distance away, maybe 30-40 mins bus ride/15-20 mins drive from our place) for one month while we discuss on long term plans with the school …. His response was “I have things to do. I cannot help. Just change the school for her”.
I was shocked … my brain went blank literally because I can’t believe that was the first thing he said.
Some back story - both me and my husband are working. My dad and mom are retirees. My dad has a car. The school was initially offering to send the kids back only at 6.30-7pm with the school bus, which in my opinion is too late since my toddler only started school for 2 months (which is why I wanted to discuss with my dad if he could help picking her up earlier). My mom used to be the one picking her up as the school was just beside her house.
But there was NO ROOM FOR DISCUSSION. Everything he said was about him him him. I fully understand that he has a life after retiring and I’m not asking him to give up his life for me and my toddler. But at time of crisis like this, wouldn’t any decent person offer to sit down and discuss on possible solutions to overcome this situation tgt.
All we got was “I have table tennis with my friends in the afternoon, I cannot help” “just change her school, what’s so difficult” “why are you asking me to sacrifice my life to save the situation” “you know how far is *school location*” “I don’t want to help” “I think you don’t love me because you want me to put all my plans away to help with your child” ????????????
Oh my god. Usually I would cry in quarrels, out of anger. But this time, I didn’t. I was shockeddddd by how selfish , narcissistic and toxic he is. When we were all worrying about how my toddler would cope with a new school environment, he was thinking all about himself.
After reflecting on this situation, I wouldn’t say I’m surprised by his reaction. He has always been a selfish and entitled person. He would want my mom to do everything for him, forbids my mom from travelling with friends/family, controlling everything at home. But this is on another level.
I retaliated of course. Especially to the last line that he said (“I think you don’t love me because you want me to put all my plans down to help with your child” ). I asked him back if he loves my toddler then? If he does, why couldn’t he sit down nicely to discuss and think about how we can help our girl go through this transition. And yes, you heard it right, he threw a fit!!!!!!
He started asking me and my husband to leave the house. Going to my 1.5 year old daughter face and say “YOUR MOM SAY I DONT LOVE YOU. OKAY YOU GO HOME & DONT COME MY HOUSE”. He did it repeatedly, chasing my toddler and I around to shout this. Wtf.
At this point, I had enough. I told my husband to pack the things and let’s go home. Because of this, my daughter had the worst night ever. Was screaming awake.
I totally didn’t expect such a small thing to blow out like this. this situation was something nobody ever wanted to happen. But to my dad , he felt like I planned for this to happen so I can leech on him.
After this incident, my husband talked to me and said that my dad went too overboard with shouting at me and my daughter. I didn’t realized it was that that bad because I was so used to this kind of selfishness from him. But I reflected after our conversation and I made a decision to not let my daughter visit him anymore. I don’t think she needs to go through the same trauma I had to go through in my life.
People say you need a kampung to raise a child. It’s true. I am truly thankful for my mother who always step up when I needed a break or to run errands. But my dad , who has barely contributed in taking care of her (bare minimum at best), dare to victimize himself from a situation that is completely unrelated to him… I’m truly appalled. I don’t want my daughter to hear all the nasty things he said and grow up thinking that’s alright and we should always give in to him just because he is an elder.
No more. I’m packing all my things from their place. Now that I have a house of my own, I know im never going back there again. I know moving forward, I might need to work harder with balancing work and my daughter. But I know this is something I want to do for her and myself.
Fun fact to this situation : he left the family chat. Like as if we care
I hope his friends from the community centres and ball games would help him in times of crisis then.
Boo. This is a sign to cut toxic men out of your life.
Kthxbye!
Navigating the challenges of toxic family dynamics is especially difficult when you're balancing being a parent and managing your own emotions. From my experience, recognizing toxic behavior early—and deciding to create boundaries—is crucial for your well-being and your child’s upbringing. One thing I’ve learned is the importance of having a supportive "village" or network, often referred to as a "kampung," around you to help raise a child, especially when your immediate family falls short. Thankfully, my mom has stepped up when I needed breaks or help with errands. Having reliable support can ease the pressure, but not all caregivers are dependable or emotionally available, as I found with my dad. If you're dealing with a family member who is emotionally unavailable, controlling, or narcissistic like my dad, it can deeply affect your mental health and your child's sense of security. I realized that forcing interactions would only cause more harm. Sometimes, distancing yourself—even from close family members—is necessary to protect your child from toxic influences. This doesn’t mean cutting off all hope for reconciliation but acknowledging that certain relationships might not be healthy to maintain, at least for now. I also reflected on how my dad’s selfish responses amplified the stress I already felt when my toddler’s preschool suddenly closed. His refusal to help and blaming me made me question my own love and effort as a parent, which is a common tactic in toxic family dynamics to deflect responsibility. For anyone facing similar issues, seek support where you can, whether through friends, partners, or professionals who understand the impact of emotional unavailability and narcissism. Setting firm boundaries, prioritizing your child’s emotional safety, and building a loving, supportive environment are key steps to breaking toxic cycles. Remember, protecting your child from trauma means sometimes making the hard decision to keep toxic family members at bay, even if that means making peace with the fact they won’t be part of your child’s life in the way you might have wished.
I just think that it’s a little unfair to ask your parents to help when it’s your own child. I mean they already spend 18 years taking care of you. It’s time for them to enjoy their free time. Buttttt.. your father’s reaction to all this, and the shouting was a little uncalled for.