The Girls Growing Up Around Men Like Kanan
When we watch Raising Kanan, much of the conversation centers around Kanan himself. We ask what kind of man a boy becomes when survival is the curriculum and fear is one of his earliest teachers. But I often find myself wondering about the girls growing up beside him.
What are they learning while watching boys become men in systems built around survival? What do they begin to believe about love, safety, loyalty, femininity, and their own worth?
Adlerian psychology reminds us that children are always paying attention. Girls growing up in survival-based environments may learn that love means being patient with emotional unavailability. They may learn that being understanding is more important than being honest about their own hurt. They may learn how to read moods, anticipate conflict, stay quiet, and soothe tension before it escalates.
Over time, those lessons can become private logic. “I have to earn love.” “If I ask for too much, people will leave.” “Strong women don’t need support.” “His potential matters more than my experience.” “If I love hard enough, he’ll eventually choose me.”
And while those beliefs may have helped her survive emotionally, they can quietly shape the relationships she chooses in adulthood. Sometimes women are not drawn to emotional unavailability because they enjoy pain. Sometimes they are drawn to what feels familiar.
Healing begins when a woman starts asking herself, “What did I learn love required of me?” Because compassion does not require self-abandonment. Understanding someone’s wounds does not mean tolerating repeated harm. Loyalty should not cost you your voice.
The girls growing up around men like Kanan deserve more than survival lessons. They deserve to learn that love can be mutual, honest, safe, accountable, and boundaried. They deserve to belong without performing, to be chosen without proving, and to experience love without abandoning themselves.
Dee Bloomingmoore 🌺
Reflecting on the girls growing up around men like Kanan, it becomes clear just how deeply their environment shapes their understanding of relationships and self-value. From personal experience and what I have observed, girls raised in these settings often develop a resilience that is both a strength and a challenge. Their early lessons in emotional survival — such as being patient with emotional unavailability or suppressing their needs to avoid conflict — can persist well into adulthood. They might find themselves repeatedly drawn to partners who mirror the emotional distance they were conditioned to accept, mistaking it as a sign of love or normalcy. I've seen how this 'private logic' can lead to compromising one’s voice and needs to maintain loyalty or affection. However, the path to healing is about unlearning these survival mechanisms and embracing the possibility of mutual respect and emotional safety. Girls who grow in such tough emotional climates deserve to learn that love does not require self-sacrifice or silence. They deserve relationships where honesty is welcomed and boundaries respected. Adlerian psychology highlights that children are always observing and internalizing the dynamics around them. Using those insights, it is hopeful to create spaces where girls can redefine what love means by experiencing genuine support and validation. This shift is not just about escaping survival but enabling genuine connection and personal growth. In sum, while survival lessons may help manage immediate challenges, nurturing environments that teach accountability, mutual care, and emotional safety allow girls to thrive beyond just survival. They can then pursue relationships that honor their worth and foster true belonging — without the need to prove themselves or abandon who they are.
