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I feel so tired today. So tired that I don't know how to explain it to anyone.

The next person always listens to me, but now I don't want to tell him about it because I feel like it's something he shouldn't be burdened with, or maybe something he doesn't want to hear repeatedly.

What I've been trying to explain is that my heart is beating unusually fast, and even when I'm sitting there, I feel tired, like my body needs energy all the time, like my heart never rests.

Today I tried measuring the pulse between me and him. While we were both sitting dormant, his pulse was about 70-85 times a minute, but mine was about 100-130 times a minute.

When I saw that number, I wasn't shocked, but I felt that at least it explained what I felt.

Because of my tiredness, no one can see from the outside. Saying "I'm tired" can make people not understand how tired it is, but the numbers on the clock face make me realize that what I'm feeling is not by thinking.

That number is not just how many times my heart beats per minute, but it is the only thing that helps to explain to people that my body is working harder than usual, and that's why I'm tired even when I'm not doing anything.

Many people like to tell me, "Fighting, at least not a serious disease."

Every time I hear it, I know everyone hopes well, but in my heart I feel that people who have never been will never understand what it's like to live with this disease.

One day I talked to my boyfriend, and I said, "You know, sometimes I feel like people with cancer are almost no different."

And his girlfriend said, "If you have cancer, you have to give me chemo. I'm going to lose, I'm going to hurt, I'm going to suffer."

I understood every word he said, and I knew very well that cancer was a very heavy and cruel disease.

But what I responded to was,

"Yes...But some cancers have healing days, some have the end of a disease, whether it's cured or gone, but the disease I am, there's no day for me to wake up and be cured, and I have to live with it every day. "

The most painful thing is not just having this disease.

But its pain is invisible.

No wounds, no blood, no splints, nothing that made people realize how much I was fighting inside.

Many days when I smile, laugh, work, or live like a normal person, I may actually be exhausted inside.

I don't want anyone to pity me.

I just want people to understand that invisible disease doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and that standing here every day is my fight.

Many people don't even understand me. Some people say, "Why is this?" Or, "All people are tired, too."

Yeah...I know everyone has problems, discouraged days, tired days, no one's life is easy.

But for those who live with this disease, everything that people naturally do, some days it turns out to be a struggle.

Nobody wants this.

No one wants to live without knowing what their emotions will be tomorrow, no one wants to watch out for their thoughts, or worry about whether today will be a day of self-control.

When mania occurs, I want to sleep, but my brain refuses to stop thinking, like it's working all the time, and my body is exhausted, but I can't sleep, and I need a lot of energy to manage my thoughts and feelings every day.

Before, I never imagined that this disease would one day become part of my life.

If I could choose, I wouldn't choose myself to be like this.

But since this disease is part of my life, the only thing I can do is slowly learn to live with it, take the best care of myself, and live on, even though some days it's harder than many people can see.

I don't want anyone to pity.

I just want people to understand that what seems easy for some people can be a hard fight for another, and every day I get up and live, that's my effort.