It's sad he put effort in when we were friend...
Okay, so me and my bf have been together for like 2.5 years. When we first started dating, he was all in. Now, it’s like he’s checked out. Like, I’ve been asking him to put in more effort lately. He’s nice but when I bring up little things like how I wanted flowers he gets defensive. Says he “forgot” or “didn’t know it was a big deal.”
And then there’s this show I love, I asked him to watch it while he’s back home (he doesn’t even have a job right now, so he’s got tons of free time). Three weeks later, he’s watched like 3 episodes. But he never forgets to game or binge YouTube. I told him it hurts that he can’t make time for something I care about, and he just goes “sorry, slipped my mind.”
It drives me nuts because he used to try so hard to win me over. Now that we’re “comfortable,” it’s like I’m the only one still trying. Am I being dramatic? He says I’m overthinking but I miss feeling cherished. How long can you stay in a relationship where you’re the only one putting in work?
It's common in relationships for effort levels to fluctuate, but when one partner consistently stops showing care and consideration, it can lead to feelings of neglect and frustration. This scenario—where a partner "doesn't do anything wrong but doesn't put any effort in"—often reflects a shift from the early, passionate phase to a more comfortable but emotionally distant phase. One key aspect is that emotional effort is not always tangible but is deeply felt. Small gestures, like bringing flowers or sharing interests such as watching a favorite show together, create emotional bonds and show attentiveness. When these are met with defensiveness or dismissiveness—like "I forgot" or "it slipped my mind"—it signals a gap in prioritizing the relationship. Understanding why this happens can help. Sometimes, partners become complacent, feeling secure and therefore less motivated to continuously demonstrate love. Other times, external factors like unemployment or personal stress may lead to withdrawal. However, an imbalance where one is always trying and the other is detached can harm intimacy and mutual respect. Communication is crucial. Expressing feelings about missing the effort without blaming helps partners hear concerns without feeling attacked. Couples can also explore new shared activities to rekindle connection, like watching shows together or planning thoughtful surprises. If defensive responses persist, couples counseling can provide strategies to rebuild effort and mutual appreciation. Importantly, reflecting on how long one is willing to continue in a relationship where effort is one-sided is vital for personal well-being. Everyone deserves to feel cherished and supported. Recognizing when a relationship no longer meets emotional needs is essential for growth, whether that means working on the partnership or making difficult decisions. In summary, relationships require ongoing effort and attention. When a partner "doesn't put any effort in," addressing it with empathy, honest communication, and proactive steps can help restore connection or clarify future directions.
Personally, I think he either 1.is stressed that he doesn’t have a job or 2. He wants to watch what HE likes, or both. Of course he tried more before to win you over, that’s what you do for someone you are interested in, but with time you become more comfortable and expect the other to understand. As for the flowers, I used to complain to my husband in the beginning but that doesn’t make him less romantic, he did other things that were sweet and less expensive since we also struggled with money for a while. Just my opinion tho. Good luck! 🥰