What should I do to make him confident?

Wow, Olivia, your story really resonated with me. Dealing with friends who cross such a painful line is incredibly tough, especially when it impacts your partner so deeply. It's not just about 'jokes'; these kinds of comments, especially 'dark disability jokes' and sexual ones, can be incredibly damaging and leave lasting scars. From my own experience, when someone you care about is targeted with insensitive humor, it feels like a personal attack on you too. It's a form of ableism that dismisses a person's dignity and reduces them to their disability. When friends make comments like 'sexual jokes about my partner's disability', it's not just offensive, it dehumanizes your partner and can make them feel vulnerable and exposed, which is likely why your boyfriend is so upset and nervous. It can chip away at their confidence, even if they've always been super confident before. It’s completely valid that you're anxious this could break you. Such incidents can test the strongest relationships. Your partner's feelings are paramount here. He needs to know he’s supported and that you’re his unwavering advocate. When someone is made to feel 'nervous' or targeted, the best thing you can do is validate their feelings. Tell him it's okay to be upset, angry, or even scared. Reassure him that his feelings are justified and that you're in this together. Being a strong ally means not just shutting down the immediate offense, but also consistently rebuilding his sense of security and worth. Communication is key, especially since you both mentioned being on the spectrum. Being direct and honest about how this has affected you both, and what steps you're considering, can strengthen your bond. Maybe you could both sit down and talk about what kind of support he needs from you right now. Does he need space? Does he need you to confront your friends again, perhaps with a clearer boundary? Or does he simply need to know you're there to listen without judgment? Sometimes, just knowing you’re on his side can make all the difference when he's feeling 'nervous' or shaken. Regarding your friendships, this is a huge red flag. True friends respect your boundaries and, more importantly, respect the people you love. Making 'sexual jokes about my partner's disability' isn't just a lapse in judgment; it shows a profound lack of empathy and understanding. You shutting it down was absolutely the right thing to do. Now, you need to decide if these friendships are worth the emotional cost. You mentioned they've 'always had red flags.' This incident might be the ultimate test. It's okay to prioritize your peace, your partner's well-being, and your relationship over friendships that cause such distress. Sometimes, letting go of toxic relationships, even long-standing ones, creates space for healthier connections in your life. Remember, your partner is relying on you to protect your shared space and his dignity. What you do next will powerfully communicate your commitment to him.