New Place, New People, New Vent
Update?
Last year I finally cleaned my depression home. I'd been begging for help for 2 years but when I said I'm having someone visiting I finally got the help I needed.
I had a friend help me with a plan. I had been asking for help and telling people I felt lost. A friend I wasn't super close to at the time finally helped me with a plan. I had hope come back.
This plan ended up with me living with not only that friend, but someone I see as the love of my life. I am so grateful for their patience and kindness as I work on doing better.
I'm not 100%, but the bad days aren't every day anymore. I'm happier, and slowly healing. Something I was begging for before but no one seemed to want to help with.
I feel guilty a little bit. My longest relationship ended last year. I appreciated all of their help through very hard times. I have guilt because I feel like I got a lot better really fast after the split. I even got a job!
The agoraphobia is still gripping onto me. It's different. I am able to work. I hate driving and being out of the home. I still have anxiety every moment I'm out. I can just finally open the door and step outside.
I feel confused about my parents support. With all that's happened, I've been met with words about how I should be over things by now. The fire, the ex roommate, anger towards the layoff. It didn't click how bad it was until they saw my home before the move. I felt like I was wasting so much so I minimized basic care like eating daily or showering on the regular. With cleaning, I thought I was finally bonding with my mom after so much toxic cycle of her behavior. As soon as I moved she was back in the same loop. Except now she hold the help she gave over my head.
Both parents had worried about my move but supported me. I was also close with my dad. It stinks that he kept telling me he missed me, but rarely tried to visit before the move. He barely came over when he knew my moving date. Told me that he would miss me and hated he couldn't see me as much anymore. But he went months 6+ without seeing me. It felt like they pushed me off to this new life with the main worry about helping financially. No matter what I'd need help. I was either gonna need help to move, or to have a place to live. My other option would have been living in my car or homelessness. Which I think without my SO it would have been the last one.
I carry a lot of guilt/shame for the help I needed, and did ask for. Constantly reminded how being helped financially put a burden on my helpers. My mom and I had a good conversation about it. She stated her perspective and I explained mine. Cuz to her I spent all day gaming. She didn't see the bed rot, the nights crying, the insomnia that kept me awake but unable to do anything else, the number of jobs I applied to on the daily, and the weight of failure all the rejected resumes gave me. My father however was pissed. He heard how much my mom was helping and had an aggressive conversation about money, how I'm not the only one of my siblings struggling, that the help to move was a selfish request. I knew all that. Like I mentioned before, I starved myself for as long as I could between meals to make the food last, showered little so the soap would last. Didn't use makeup or anything that I'd have to rebuy that made me feel like me. Wore clothes for long periods so I didn't have much laundry. It didn't seem like all I was doing was good enough. Not until I snapped and just cried yelled at him. He got mad at that too. Until I asked him was it not enough I resorted to eating dog food because I had too much guilt needing more money to eat. That I felt like I was unworthy of food because of how much of failure I was. He went pale. Asked why I hid it, and I told him the reason was you made it seem like I was taking some sort of advantage. That I'm a freeloader who isn't weighing what she's asking. Like he didn't know the girl he raised.
This move has been so healing and so heartbreaking. I need to be here. I'm happy to be here. I miss streaming so much and hopefully the Internet will let me do it soon. I've had to adjust to living with people, and keeping up so it doesn't get bad again. I'm happy. I'm tired. I'm healing. 💕
Navigating life with depression and agoraphobia is a deeply personal and challenging journey. From my experience, one of the most transformative steps you can take is reaching out for help, even when it feels like no one understands or wants to support you. Opening up to friends—or even acquaintances—who are willing to listen can be a lifeline. It was a turning point for me when a friend helped me devise a plan to move forward, which eventually led to a supportive living situation with people who genuinely care for my wellbeing. One critical lesson I've learned is that healing is rarely linear. Progress can be rapid after difficult periods, yet it often comes with complex emotions like guilt or confusion, especially about relationships with family. My own experience with parental support has been mixed—while they expressed concern, misunderstandings about mental health struggles sometimes strained communication. It’s important to remember that many people outside the mental health community might not see the day-to-day battles like insomnia, anxiety, or the overwhelming weight of rejection that come with depression. Managing agoraphobia means celebrating small victories. For me, simply opening the door and stepping outside feels huge compared to past struggles. It’s vital to recognize these incremental steps as meaningful progress. Working towards stability, whether through finding a job or rebuilding social connections, helped restore my sense of purpose and self-worth. Finally, I want to emphasize self-compassion. When I found myself rationing food or cutting basic self-care due to guilt or scarcity, it was a wake-up call to prioritize my health and advocate kindly for my needs. Mental health challenges can sometimes leave us feeling undeserving or like a burden, but acknowledging this and having honest conversations—even difficult ones—can foster understanding and healing. For anyone facing similar struggles, remember you are not alone. Small steps, reaching out, and surrounding yourself with patience and kindness can lead to a brighter, more hopeful future. Healing takes time, but every effort counts and is worth celebrating.
