"Got one of them smart speakers. Asked it 'What's the weather?' It said 'Rainy.' I said 'Cheers mate, could you be more positive?' It said 'RAINY AND YOU'RE STANDING IN IT!' I didn't even realise I'd left the window open!"

"Went to the pool for a lengths session. Got in the water and immediately started splashing around like a drowning duck. A little kid next to me did three lengths while I was still trying to work out which end was which. He looked at me and said 'You okay, mister?' I said 'Yeah mate

"Joined a gym to get fit - the trainer said 'We'll start with some weights.' Gave me a barbell and I lifted it up... well, I TRIED to lift it up. It didn't move an inch. The trainer goes 'You need to engage your core!' I said 'I think my core's engaged in hiding

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