My Recovery

It's so easy to get caught up in numbers during recovery, isn't it? When I first started my journey, I heard a lot of comments, some well-meaning, some not. I remember seeing a picture of myself and thinking, 'Wow, was I really that small?' And yes, I've even been told straight up, 'you're too skinny,' which, ironically, can be just as triggering as hearing the opposite. It's a difficult place to be, both physically and mentally. For anyone wondering 'how to know if you're too skinny,' from my own experience, it goes beyond just the number on the scale. My body felt constantly cold, my energy levels were non-existent, and simple tasks felt exhausting. My thoughts revolved constantly around food, and my body image was distorted. It was a vicious cycle where my physical state fed into my mental struggles. I wasn't just 'skinny'; I was unwell. Looking back at old photos, like the one where I might have been taking a mirror selfie and my midriff was visible, it's a stark reminder of how much my body was struggling, even if I couldn't fully see it then. The "TW ED" warnings are so important because it's a constant battle, and recognizing the signs in yourself or others is the first step. Then comes the journey of weight gain, and believe me, it's not always a straight line! I know some people might look at my 10-pound gain in two years and wonder, 'Is that really enough?' But let me tell you, every single pound was a victory for me. Especially for someone like me, with a fast metabolism at only 4'11", gaining weight can feel incredibly challenging. It's not just about eating more; it's about repairing your relationship with food, challenging restrictive thoughts, and accepting the changes in your body. I used to scrutinize every curve and change, wondering if my 'belly button piercing' area looked different, or if my midriff was less defined. It's a mental game as much as a physical one. What I've learned is that 'weight gain' in recovery isn't just about packing on fat. It's about restoring health, energy, and vitality. It's about gaining strength to live your life fully. It's about reaching that point where you can look at yourself and say, 'ok.' – and truly mean it. That 'ok.' isn't just acceptance; it's a profound peace that comes with nourishing your body and mind. My journey has been about so much more than just the numbers on the scale. It’s about being able to laugh harder, walk further, and just be present without the constant chatter of an eating disorder. If you're on a similar path, please know that your progress, no matter how 'slow' it feels, is absolutely valid and worth celebrating. Focus on how you feel, your energy levels, and your mental well-being. These are often the biggest gains of all.